I'm happy.

I wish I could be better.

I don't think like everyone else.
I don't think doing drugs, having sex, and getting high is cool.
Does that make me boring?
Am I safe?
Uhh... yep.
But that's who I am.
And I'm okay with that.

In the words of one of my favorite country music artists Blake Shelton,
"Who are you when I'm not looking?"

Is it possible to know a person so well,
but not really know them at all.
That's how I feel when I'm around you.
You say really strange things to me.
Things that make me wonder who hurt you.
Who warped your mind to make you think you're so bad?

I love it when you laugh at me.
You get this look in your eyes that tells me I'm just the right amount of cute and crazy.
The way you look at me when I stutter, or when I can't come up with the right words makes me never want to stop talking.
I wanna know what you're thinking when I catch you looking at me for a little too long.
There's something about you that I haven't figured out yet.
And forgive me for thinking this, but I believe not knowing this....thing... about you
creates a hole in our friendship.
idk.
I'm rambling.

The truth?
You want the honest-to-god truth?

I'm scared.
I'm petrified at the thought of losing you.
What the hell?
I thought I was doing a good job of not getting attached.
Seriously, W.T.F?

I love you.
I just don't know what to do.

When I think about having a conversation with you, I almost hyperventilate.
But honestly, a hug from you right now would feel like heaven.

I don't know where to start.
I think I messed up,
But I'm not entirely sure.

It's been almost a month.
Did I hurt you?
Did I have enough power to hurt you so badly that you could just forget me?
I'm sorry, okay?
I didn't know that.
I don't even know why I said what I said...
I was scared.
I self-destruct all of my relationships.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I do half the things I do.
Okay?
This is driving me insane!
Where are you?
Do I need to reach out to you?
I don't know what's going on.

I feel completely numb.
I don't know what to do.
Like a dear caught in the headlights...
I don't want to make the wrong decision.

Does it hurt you when you see me?
Do you feel anything at all?
I catch you looking at me...
What is that?
Why?
I never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't say that enough if I tried.
Not sorry for what I said...
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I swear.
I never meant to hurt you.

I feel like I'm breaking.
I'm becoming the girl I said I never would become again.
The smile, the laugh,
THEY AREN'T REAL!
Why don't you see that?
Why do you have such an impact on me?

I thought this would get easier as time went on.
It didn't.
It got a lot harder.
Every day I fucking see you it gets harder to handle.
Is your smile fake too?

I don't know how to handle this.
I don't know at all.
I feel like crying, but there's some new found wall that's somehow blocking my tears from falling.

Do you even want me back in your life?
Maybe I made the right choice for you.


But I know now.
It was the worst choice I could have ever made for me.

I want you to look at me.
Really, look at me.
I know you see me, brown hair, bright blue eyes, a smile plastered on my face,
But do you see me?
I've shown you who I am.
You know better than most.
You've seen me at my weakest.
You've helped me more then you could ever understand.
Is it this easy for you to let me go?