Unpredictable Outbursts of A Human Being

Thoughts from a Special Snowflake

8:33 PM

Hello readers, I want to explain a bit about how this post came to be. I just finished a class at Ohio State called Sex and Violence. For one assignment, students were to choose a topic of interest to them and write a semi-personal, semi-research based paper. I struggled hard with this assignment. I knew that I wanted to write about fatness in the context of the heteronormative society we live in, but there is so much information, experiences, and stories and to look into that it was hard to narrow it down into what would ultimately become the essay in this post. I submitted it (late, might I add) and I didn't think much of it. When I got my grade, I received such positive feedback from my professor. She encouraged me to publish it somewhere online, and this being my tiny corner of the world wide web was just the place to do it. So, this is not a normal post from me. This was a paper a wrote for class, complete with APA style references and 12pt Times New Roman Font. If you read to the end, I hope you enjoy.

Alison

I didn’t know I was fat until I was fourteen. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a big person since I was a toddler, but until my freshmen year of high school I didn’t really know I was fat. I can remember so vividly the moment I made the earth-shattering realization. Standing in the fluorescent dressing room of the overpriced department store, I looked at myself squeezed into a size 16 dress. My five-foot-nothing, size 4 best friend stood behind me, yanking the zipper with all her might. My stomach was sucked in as far as it could go, and after a few minutes of tugging and rustling, my friend threw in the towel. “I think you need a bigger size,” she said. What she didn’t know was that that was the biggest size that store carried. I let the dress slip onto the floor, and I looked at my underwear-clad reflection. Silently, I compared our bodies in the mirror. My five-foot-seven frame towered over my friend’s petite body. My belly jiggled, and I didn’t understand why my thighs were so dimply compared to hers. She had tried on about 12 dresses already and they all seemingly fit her perfectly, but I couldn’t find one that zipped up all the way without feeling like the zipper was going to pop off at mach-speed. Ever-reassuring, and vigilant, my friend noticed my discomfort. I held back tears as she suggested we go to a different store. “This store’s sizing is just stupid,” she reassured me. With that, I put my clothes back on and followed her out of the dressing room.

I was never really bullied for being fat, but that didn’t mean I was always comfortable. Society has this weird way of making fat people feel like they are the same as everyone else, while simultaneously telling them that they are not good enough for whatever they’re enjoying. This is a process called fat shaming. Sometimes fat shaming can look a lot like bullying. For example, there are people who will say “Hey fatass, put down the fork!” A lot of the time, however, it’s much more covert than that. Most frequently, fat shaming operates under the guise of well-meaning health concerns by a close (or not-so-close) friend. It exists unashamedly in the media. Tabloids line the checkout line with covers littered with pictures of Kim Kardashian’s latest fat roll claiming, “You won’t believe how big she is!” With the recent emergence of the “Fat Acceptance Movement” and other body-positive ideologies, fat shaming has also moved into the limelight. Good citizens have been trying to eradicate fat bodies for awhile because fat bodies go against the heteronorm of society.

In an article titled “Six Things I Don’t Understand About the Fat Acceptance Movement,” self-proclaimed average sized blogger, Carolyn Hall expresses her disapproval of the movement. One of her main points are that “America is extremely accepting of fat” (Hall, 2014). She then goes on to say that “though there may be negative stereotypes, staring, bullying, or crude comments”, American culture promotes a lifestyle of convenience with fast-food places at every corner and huge portion sizes for every meal (Hall, 2014). Another of her points is that “health at every size seems impossible” (Hall, 2014). Here she talks about how people who are anorexic are seen as unhealthy, whereas the morbidly obese can live a healthy lifestyle and still be seen as healthy (Hall, 2014). Continuing on the health trend, Hall says that body positivity should include positive and proactive health (Hall, 2014). She disagrees with the Fat Acceptance Movement’s idea that a person should be happy with their body if they are overweight because that person is not healthy (Hall, 2014). This article is important to look at because it is a glimpse of what the average person understands about the Fat Acceptance Movement.

Hall’s point that American society is extremely accepting of fat people can seem like it is true at first glance. However, when looking at the statistics, fat people are paid less than their average weight counterparts for doing the same job. Overweight white women suffer indisputably as “a difference in weight of two standard deviations (roughly 64 pounds) is associated with a difference in wages of 9 percent. This difference in wages is equivalent in absolute value to the wage effect of roughly 1.5 years of education or three years of work experience” (Cawley, 2004, p. 470). From an average-sized person’s point of view, it’s easy to believe that America caters to the fat population, but they do not see the underlying prejudice. Hall also talks a lot about health in her piece. She does not expressly say that she believes all fat people are unhealthy, but she sure alludes to it. This is a dangerous way of thinking. Health is a complex issue and a person’s health cannot be determine by glancing at them. Marathon channel swimmer and sociologist Dr. Sharon Throsby notes this flawed way of thinking stating, “Bodies are complicated things to manage, the pressures are very real” (Throsby, 2013). Contradictory to most sports, in channel swimming, swimmers have to maintain some body fat. Throsby goes onto say that “After all, what greater challenge to the equation of fat with ill-health and laziness could there be than Channel swimming?” (Throsby, 2013). These athletes are not unfit by any means, but just by looking at their bodies one might think that they are. She includes this in her piece to show that health cannot be determined by looking at someone.

On a related note, a body on its own is not inherently bad. People are taught by society what is normal is and what is not when it comes to bodies. A lot of the “fear” surrounding fat bodies, especially fat women’s bodies, was brought on by the media (Erdman Farell, 2011, p. 84). When women were first gaining the right to vote, fat women were often shown in anti-suffrage propaganda (Erdman Farell, 2011, p. 84). Men who did not want to grant women the right to vote would portray feminists as loud, fat, and manly as a way to sway people away from feminist ideologies at the time (Erdman Farell, 2011, p. 84). At its core, this technique is rooted in heteronormative beliefs. This propaganda attempted to show that the only women who want to vote are horrible. The heteronormative view at the time was that women should be dainty and stay in the home, and by mocking women opposite to that in their ads, they were conveying to the whole country that fat women are inherently bad. Fast forward in time to the present, and a recent study found that men’s greatest fear when using online dating sites is matching a woman who is fat (The Bert Show, 2014). This is opposed to women, whose greatest fear is that a match may be a serial killer (The Bert Show, 2014). This statistic alone, based on the most shallow form of modern communication, shows that the effects of the media from the early 20th century plays a role even now. Men are more afraid of dating a fat woman than having no connection with a person they meet.

So, if what the average person believes about the Fat Acceptance Movement, and fat people in general is proven to be a dysfunctional and inaccurate way of thinking, why do so many people hold to these ideologies? The answer lies within a deep-seeded desire to fit into the heteronorm. By nature, heteronormativity aims to fit people into a certain box. A quote by Susan Sontag from her book Illness is a Metaphor condenses the American idea of fatness into a sentence saying that being fat “‘means’ excess of desire, of bodily urges not controlled, of immoral, lazy and sinful habits” (Erdman Farell, 2011, p. 10). This illustration of what it means to be fat equates fatness to being uncontrollable; a person who is uncontrollable is a threat to the heteronorm.

The Fat Acceptance Movement is shaking the foundation of what it means to be normal. The people who are a part of the movement are saying, “I don’t care what society says about my body, I am loving and accepting it anyway.” For a long time, and even still today, the norms of society have been denoted by and for men. The Fat Acceptance Movement is sharing an empowering message, and for women it takes away men’s right to control their bodies. My thought is this: fat women, and women in general, learning to love their bodies is going to shake the foundation of the heteronorm. A woman who loves herself is a force of confidence that can dismantle preconceived notions of heteronormative values.

To conclude, fat bodies are shamed every day. Being shoved into a box of heteronormativity that I and many others (quite literally) don’t fit into is a struggle that does not seem to be ending any time soon. Susie Orbach, a feminist scholar, sums it up nicely by saying “people considered to be overweight are exposing the very thing the “normal” people want to control” (Orbach, 2015).The norms of society have pushed fat people around like they do not matter for a long time, and the Fat Acceptance Movement aims to ameliorate society’s push. Learning to love myself in a society that is hell-bent on keeping fat people down has been a hard process to go through, but loving myself is the ultimate goal. For many people, it’s a struggle that they may never overcome. I know this because I learned that I was fat when I was fourteen, and I have been unlearning what that means ever since.

References

The Bert Show. (2014). The Difference Between A Man And A Woman’s Worst Online

Dating Fears Will Shock You. Retrieved April 22, 2016, from

http://thebertshow.com/tinder-experiment-fat-suit-will-shock/

Cawley, J. (2004). The Impact of Obesity on Wages. The Journal of Human

Resources, 39(2), 451-474. Retrieved from http://www.ppge.ufrgs.br/

Giacomo/arquivos/eco02072/cawley-2004.pdf

Erdman Farell, A. (2011). Fat Shame. Retrieved from https://books.google.com/ books?id=XsHmeJqR4uAC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=twopage &q&f=true

Hall, C. (2014, April 22). 6 things I don't understand about the fat acceptance

movement. Retrieved April 22, 2016, from http://thoughtcatalog.com/

carolyn-hall/2014/04/

6-things-i-dont-understand-about-the-fat-acceptance-movement/

Orbach, S. (2015, January 5). Why Fat Is A Feminist Issue. Retrieved April 22,

2016, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/05/

fat-feminist-issue_n_6414192.html

Throsby, K. (2013, February 3). Guest Article: Dr. Karen Throsby, on the

complicated issue of fat amongst Channel swimmers. Retrieved April 22,

2016, from https://loneswimmer.com/2013/02/05/

guest-article-dr-karen-throsby-on-the-complicated-issue-of-fat-amongst-channel-sw

immers/

On Learning How to Say No

5:16 PM

I started a post a couple days ago intending to reflect on 2015. I try very hard to not be the type of person who gives into the philosophy of "new year, new me" because I know that as humans we reserve the right to change ourselves whenever we feel like it. But with everyone posting about their new year's resolutions, it's hard not to think about how I want to change in 2016.

I haven't kept it a secret that I pushed my limits in 2015. While most of it was intentional, like working full time while keeping up with school, a lot of my struggle came from my inability to say no. By nature I am a giver. I will take less in order to give others more, and that's something I normally pride myself on.

"Alison, will you take this shift?"
"Alison, I really don't want to do this, can you do it?"
"Alison, I know you just worked for 24 hours straight but can you drive? I just don't feel like it."

Yes. Yes. Yes.

The thing is, when I'm going non-stop all the time, saying yes to one more small task seems like absolutely nothing. It's not that big of a deal to pick up an extra few hours when I'm already working 60. It's when life starts to slow down that I realize that all those little yeses add up to a huge chunk of time that I can't get back. It's when I collapse in bed and sleep for 16 hours straight that I begin to understand that the little yeses are taking up my life.

Now, for 2016, I'm learning how to say no.

I'm learning how to create a balance in my life so that I can make room for the big yeses. Instead of having small tasks running my life, I want to have time to relish in the big moments I make for myself. I made time in 2015 for going to Chicago, going on a mission trip to Haiti, and taking a roadtrip to Myrtle Beach with my best friend. Those were big yeses. Those, along with concerts, first (and last) dates, and hotel stay-cations, are the moments I want my life to be continuously filled with.

I will never stop being a hard worker. I plan to continue my journey of working full-time and going to school, because for the most part I enjoy my job and my classes. It's all the little things that I don't have to do, but do because I can't say no, that need to change. There are a lot of lessons I can take from last year, but most of all I learned that I can't expect to give all of myself away and still feel whole.

As always, thank you for reading, whoever you are.
Here's to new years, and new changes!
xx

Why I Hate College, but Love my Education

7:02 PM

I hate college.

I say that a lot to my friends and family, and recently people have been asking me why. I've thought about it quite a bit, and this is my somewhat thought out, lengthy response.

I hate the idea of frat parties and adderall-induced all-nighters. I don't want to be 30 grand in debt, (which is the average student debt in Ohio, by the way) and thinking of dorm rooms and communal showers actually makes my skin crawl. I see pictures on Facebook and Twitter of people "living it up" in college. It all seems superficial to me, and it definitely doesn't seem like it's worth 30k that I haven't even earned yet.

I will be the first to admit that my senior year of high school I wanted so badly to graduate and go on to live in some dusty residential hall, surrounded at all hours by my peers. The experience of college seemed like the end-all-be-all and I wanted it. I would have taken the debt and the parties because it was something I was supposed to do.

Oh, how quickly that changed. After a sit down with my parents and actually understanding the amount of debt I would ring up in just one year at a four-year university, my ideals changed. I wasn't exactly happy about it, but I saw the big picture, and I decided to go to a community college for my first two years of school.

While I was at that community college I learned a lot of things that I don't think I could have learned anywhere else. There was an abundance of adult-learners. In a technology-centered world, there were 50 and 60-year-olds willing to tackle their self-proclaimed challenge of online assignments and even online classes for the sake of their education. There were young students that messed up at other universities that decided to go to a community college rather than admit defeat. There were veterans. There were foreign students. I even met a guy who claimed to be a porn star. My point is that I met so many students who had stories that were so much more than "I took out a loan and now I'm here." There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but by meeting these people and talking to them I gained a better understanding of the world than I would have if I were surrounded by my peers 24/7. For that, I am grateful.

Commuting to school rather than living on campus comes with some consequences. Along with the outrageous gas prices I dealt with, one of my consequences was that working while going to school was inevitable. I worked over full time hours and juggled a full time course load. That's a habit that I have yet to break. It's easy to become envious of students that don't have to work, or even work part time. I actually can't even imagine what I would do with my existence if I only had to attend class and study. Thinking about it now, working and going to school at the same time has given me a great education just on it's own. I was a manager at a fast food place for awhile. Customer service is always awful in some aspect or another, but learning how to talk to people (somewhat) professionally and helping them deal with their complaints are skills that I will use for the rest of my life.

Now I work with people with developmental disabilities. There isn't one day on the job that I don't learn something new. I could probably write a novel on what I've learned in the year I've been at my current job, but the most important thing is this: everyone wants and deserves to be treated like human being. That is a value that I will forever hold tightly in my heart, and I highly doubt that any professor could have ever taught me that to the extent that I know it and understand it now.

There are so many other things I've learned by going a less traditional route with my schooling. Moving out of my parents' house has taught me so much about money management and delayed gratification. Travelling has shown me that there is so much more to the world than what I can see in my day to day life. Honestly, if I can figure out the subway and bus systems in Chicago, I can literally do anything.

So, my dear readers, I can say that I hate college. I hate that, above anything else, college in this country is a business. I hate that it costs thousands of dollars to go. I hate that a lot of the people that do go get to party away without any real responsibilities. I hate that when I talk to my peers, a lot of them have no concept of the value of a dollar. But I can also say, that I love my education. Every single piece of knowledge that I have gathered in the past two (and some change) years has been more valuable than I ever could have dreamed of when I was that senior in high school.

I don't hate the people that chose to go to four-year schools. I don't think that they're wasting their life/time/money/etc. I just know that sometimes it's hard to see all the facets of an education when we live in a world that is hell-bent on everyone getting their bachelor's degrees. I wish that someone would have pointed out to me the different ways I would learn from this experience before I even got started, so I wrote this. Maybe someone who needs it will read it. Maybe it's just garbage.

To anyone who isn't taking the traditional route with higher education, I see you, and I understand.

Bless.

Quit Apologizing

7:36 PM

There's a time and a place for a good, well-thought-out apology. Sometimes the things we do hurt people and if that's the case, apologize away. If you've cheated on your girlfriend, or ruined your best friend's shirt, or opened a door too quickly and hit the man walking with his carry-out tray of hot coffees, causing a slur of curse words to come out of his mouth as well as a massive spill on the ground, then by all means admit your mistakes and grovel at these people's feet in hopes that they'll forgive you. (Just watch out for the coffee you just spilled, yikes.)

These clear-cut situations aren't what I want to talk about, though. Recently, more than ever, I've noticed that a lot of people feel the need to apologize before they do anything, myself included.
"I'm sorry, but my paper really sucks."
"I'm sorry, I just really don't want to go out."
"I'm sorry, I'm not interested."

I think part of it comes from a fear of being impolite, but there's a point where instead of apologizing for something that you've done, you begin apologizing for who you are. Saying "sorry" is so ingrained into my nature that I've often apologized when someone has accidentally stepped on my foot, or ran into me. In those situations, I'm literally apologizing for existing. I'm saying "Hey, I don't actually matter, I'm sorry for standing where you were walking." and that's pretty fucked up.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you matter. If you wrote a paper, and it's basically trash, but that's the only thing you could produce at that moment, please do not apologize. If you need to take care of yourself by eating pizza and watching netflix by yourself instead of going out, my god, do not apologize for that. If the same dude has asked you out 50 times, do not apologize for rejecting him, You are aloud to exist, and make choices, and have opinions. Post seven selfies a day, and don't say you're sorry in any of the captions (I see you people, and your first selfie is awesome as your seventh and I'm glad you feel beautiful enough to post them). Don't start off any sentence with "I'm sorry, but...". Just speak. Be unapologetically you in everything that you do.

All that said, I'd like to take back some apologies I've made in the past.

I'm not sorry for taking up a lot of space.
I'm not sorry for being a feminist.
I'm not sorry for giving my opinions in class.
I'm not sorry for getting angry when someone has done me wrong.
I'm not sorry I said "no".

Okay, so there's my thoughts for the day. Hope it was worth the read.

Chicago

12:48 PM

Night Changes

2:52 PM

It's been two years since I've posted anything here on my little corner of the internet.

I created this space the summer before my freshman year in high school.

When I tell you, dear reader, that this blog was my lifeline, please do not take it lightly.

It was my home on a screen for four years (four incredibly crucial years for my psychological development, nevertheless) and I feel sad for abandoning it for so long,

But I'm so happy I did.

You see, the last posts on this page are filled with so much teenage angst and longing that I could almost vomit, but after rereading the 124 posts previously uploaded, I've realized that I have grown and changed into a person that is so much more than what I ever could have imagined.

When I was a junior in high school I remember standing in my dad's garage and telling him how I wanted to leave, how I couldn't feel anything in this place anymore and I hated it and I wanted out.

The next thing he told me has been my saving Grace for the last three years,

"It's not a problem with the place, its a problem with you."

At that point I was thinking, "ugh parents just don't understand anything my life is so hard blah blah blah"

And it took until about a year ago to realize just how right he was.

I remember it very clearly. I was sitting in my college physics class in the middle of the worst semester I have ever faced scribbling down all the reasons why I hated my life instead of listening to my professor. I was on my seventh (yes, seventh) piece of loose-leaf paper writing down some bullshit about how none of this means anything, when I realized that I actually was the problem.

The only thing keeping me from being happy was myself.

I was a natural born helper forcing myself to care about numbers and calculations and things that make me physically cringe when I think about them now.

A week later I officially changed my major to social work.

And now, sitting here, after having moved out and making it on my own for a whole six months (wow so impressive) I can say that I'm exactly where I need to be.

I find new things to feel every day.

And it's so beautiful and so terrifying.

And life is wonderful.