And I don't think you understand what it's like to know you have to get someone out of your head because they just don't belong there.
And I don't think you understand that I've done everything I can to not think about you, to just stop caring.
And I don't think you understand how fragile these things have made my emotions.
So, in essence, I know I'm crazy.
But if you dealt with this,
Your nerves would be shot, too.
Probably one of my biggest flaws is not being able to force myself to care when I don't.
Right now
I just
don't.
fucking.
care.
Here's a cat.
To sum it all up, senior year sucks.
This routine has crossed the line from boring into redundant.
It feels like there are screams building up in my chest when I have to sit through certain classes.
If I could have left yesterday, I would have.
They say that you shouldn't wish your senior away,
But I wasn't raised to have to ask to go potty before I can get up and go.
I can take care of myself.
I don't care about class rings, 2013 swag, or senior pictures.
To me, it's pointless.
These are not my glory years.
Teachers keep asking, "Why are we here?"
I don't know any more.
I also know it's not all bad.
I have fun at school.
And I'll probably miss it someday.
Right now
I just want out.
I really love this a lot.
Everything that has mattered up until now is almost done mattering.
Does that make sense?
The parties you didn't go to, the trends you didn't follow, the people you didn't talk to,
None of it will matter in a year.
We'll be gone.
The walls of Hayes High School won't recognize us any more.
That won't be our place any more.
Maybe that wasn't our place to begin with.
And I think that's a scary thought.
Because time keeps passing, and even though it's normal and natural, I have a hard time accepting the fact that none of the memories I made there will matter any more.
Most of those memories will be forgotten.
My petty friendships, my social status, my GPA.
None of that will ever matter again when this year is over.
All the things that consumed my mind on a daily basis...
They won't matter.
People say that all the time, but I didn't really get it.
None of this will matter.
And now I feel liberated, and also kind of silly.
Because I can read back in this blog and see my emotions (most of the time, my raw emotion)
And I can see how dumb it was.
I can look back on my life and remember my feelings and emotions and failures and successes
And see how mediocre they were.
I can see how, in the grand scheme of things, I have so much more to live for.
Maybe that's growing up.
We ate Chipotle and laughed.
We watched "How it's Made" and in between the makings of a Pontoon boat and a grandfather clock I re-realized how important you are to me.
With your head on my hip bone and our legs intertwined, I can't help but think this is how it should have been all along.
But it wasn't and it's not.
Because yesterday was an illusion,
And I don't actually believe you love me.
