Dear Idiot,
Hi. How are you?
I hope you're fantastic.
I hope everything in your life is perfect.
Why??
Because the higher you are, the harder you fall.
And baby, I can't wait to see you crash and burn.
I made you my everything.
I neglected people I cared about,
People that actually gave a damn about me,
because of you.
I was NOTHING to you.
You kept me around just to screw with me, then throw me to the side.
You used me. You knew I'd let you take advantage of me like you did.
But you didn't care.
Yeah, it's my fault too... I get that.
But it's yours too.
And I hope it bugs the hell out of you that I haven't come crawling back.
I hope it bugs you that I'm not as weak as you think I am.
Rrggg...
I hate it because I'm sitting here writing this for basically no one to see.
You still have an effect on me. Pathetic? Yes.

I don't miss you.
Rather, I don't miss the you you are now.
I miss the you you were.
And I know that's still you... somewhere.
You used to have feelings, and tell me everything.
Now you're stone cold and can't even make eye contact with me.
Crazy.
I could really write an entire book on who you are versus who you were,
but that's pointless.
This whole rant is pointless,
you'll never see it...
and even if you did,
Would it mean anything to you?
Doubtful.

Okay, I overreacted.
Not everyone leaves.
A lot of people leave,
But then people you consider "better" come in and take their place.
That is, until they fuck up, and you're crying your eyes out wondering if "better" was ever really better at all.
Rinse and repeat.
It sucks, but it's life, and life really is all we have.
So it doesn't make sense to mope about everything,
or to get caught up in every single detail,
because then you're just wasting the only thing you have.

I don't trust.
Everyone leaves.
End of story.

So honestly, right now, at this moment,
I'm waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
You're going to get hurt.
Like major hurt.
And like always I'm going to be there to pick up the pieces.
I'm not complaining, though.
It's always nice to be needed,
loved.

God I hate this.
I wish you could see that she's playing you like a Vegas dealer.
But you can't,
you won't ever admit it.
You'll get caught up in that fairy-tale love song that's continuously playing in your head,
and not notice that guy that's always hanging around you're girl.
I love you, but you're stupid.
And you're gonna get your heart broken.
Maybe you deserve it,
but I can't bring myself to think that.
I wish I could tell you how amazing you are.
I wish that you'd believe me, even if I did tell you.
I wish that for one day, you could see yourself through my eyes, and then you'd know how special you really are to me.

*sigh*
Whatever.
Dueces ♥

My mind has a cramp.
I can't think right.
Whenever I go to say something, I fail.
Everyday,
I become more and more like the person I told myself I wouldn't be.
I'm becoming a shallow, shameless, teenage girl.
I feel myself judging people very quickly.
That's not me.
I don't know where this heinous bitch came from, but she needs to go the hell away.
This isn't me.
I may be apathetic and sarcastic and blunt,
But I've never been one to judge.
I hate judgmental people.
Why am I being like this?
Can jealousy really lead a person to be like this?



I guess so.

I don't have amazing things to say.
My words won't make you praise me.
My thoughts lack even more.
I have trouble constructing thoughts well enough to be able to say them aloud.

I'm not a genius,
nor a philosopher,
nor a person with any clue whatsoever.
I don't have any life experience, and I'm quite gullible.
I get nervous easily.
I cry a lot.
I have problems, just like the next person.
Some days I feel overly average.
Just a blur in the background of a photograph.


I started this post five days ago.
Here's what I've realized since then:

Life isn't always about saying something to make people listen,
Sometimes it's listening until someone has something to say.
Even though my voice trembles, my tears tumble, and I can't handle most of the problems in my life sufficiently without someone else there, I'm still gonna make it.


I'll make it. ♥

You're not the only one hurting.
Don't disregard my feelings.
On that note,
Don't disregard your own feelings either.
I know that's what your doing.

It's not helping your case.

Contrary to popular belief,
the big round thing sprouting from my neck,
has actual, intellectual thoughts.
The red organ pumping behind my chest,
has the right to feel real feelings.
And babe,
do I have some real feelings for you.

You don't get it do you?
I don't just have a high school crush on you.
It won't blow over in a week.
I care for you.
It's not love.
Well, I love you.
But I'm not in love with you.
I'm not ready for that.
However,
over the course of a year,
I've developed some mad feelings for you.

Another thing,
You were sweet.
You complimented me.
You never turned me away.
You cared about me when I thought I was unlovable.
But you lied.
Or rather,
You didn't tell the truth.
That hurts.
I never lied to you.
Why do you feel like you have to hide things?
I've never judged you.

I was sweet.
I never turned you away.
I cared about you when you thought you were unlovable.

Did she?



I didn't think so.



Every single conversation resorted back to how she hurt you.
How awful she was.
How you wanted her to get hurt.
But you love her....
Soo...
Stay with her.
Stay with the person who brings out the worst in you.
Stay with the group of friends that make you feel insignificant.
Stay with them.

Instead of being with the girl who can make you laugh,
Cares about you,
Loves you,
Has been here since day fucking one.

Do you get it now?
I don't think you do.

I've picked your sorry ass up every time you came to me for help.
Even when it was inconvenient for me,
I dropped what I was doing to help you.
Can you say the same for me?
Nope.
Almost every time I came to you for help,
You started talking about you, and her, and your problems.
I never said anything about it.

I avoided confrontation with you because I know how much stress you have in you life.
I held in my emotions up until the breaking point so that you didn't have my problems on your mind.
I care about you.
You care about me.
Why do you choose her?
What you have isn't love,
I've been there,
In your exact spot,
It's not love.

You think you need her.
You don't.
You really don't.
It's like a bad addiction.
You think you need it to survive, but in reality,
It's the one thing that's bringing you closer to death.


I'm pissed.
Enraged.
Confused.
Conflicted.
I want you gone.
Out of my mind.
You're just like everyone else.

Hi.
My name's Alison,
and I have trust issues.

I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.
Maybe I should,
but I'm not going to take that risk.

You say you trust me...
Don't.

I'll hurt you,
and push you away for no reason,
and care about you too much,
and get hurt too easily,
and feel too much,
and fall too hard,
and cry too often.

And you won't be able to pick up the pieces.


Everyday I see you,
talk to you,
care about you a little more then the day before.
And everyday I compare you to him.

"That's not something he would say,
That's exactly what he would do,
You're so much better,
but I still wish you were him."
Thoughts my mind scream at me everyday.

You're two different people,
but I'm constantly comparing your every word,
motion,
and piece of body language to his.
No matter how hard I try, I can't stop.

Please make this easy,
Don't trust me.

Over the last four months,
this blog has become my diary.
I tell it everything.
I only have like 2 people that read this, and that's okay.
It keeps me honest.

I love this blog.
It doesn't judge me when I tell it my inner most thoughts.
It doesn't tell me to shut up when I'm getting to caught up in my teenage angst and emotion.
I love that.
I think I would have gone insane if I didn't start this blog...

So it's a good thing I did :)

It's been over two weeks since I've posted a blog.
I love to blog.
I've been reading blogs.
But I have had absolutely nothing to say.
I still have nothing to say.
Or...
I have nothing of importance to say.
Nothing I write in this blog will be notable.
Sorry.

I'm on the verge of breaking, again.
For a year, I held you off.
You didn't know anything, I just helped you with your life problems.
I never let you in.
Until now.
Now, you know.
I told you, not everything, but I told you about me.
I gave you little clues to show you how screwed up I am.
You told me you wouldn't leave.
Now I just want you to go.
I want you to leave me like everyone else has.
But I know you wont.
You'll keep telling me I'm sweet, I'm adorable, I'm your best friend.
Truth?
I don't trust you.
I don't trust you for a minute.
As soon as I give in to you, tell you who I really am,
the sooner your gone.
And the sooner your gone, the sooner I'm broken again.


So let's just get this viscous cycle over with....

Hair dye?
Yes.
It's sitting right next to me.
My hair is still it's putrid color of ickyness.
But I have acquired the dye to change that.
It's step number one in my master plan to becoming a better me.

Well, actually, it's a step towards step number one...
You understand.
:)

Where are you?
I know where I am.
Jittery, fidgety, anxiously sitting. Here.
Thinking about you,
The reason I am who I am.
Then remembering that I have him,
The reason I'm still chasing after the person I can be.

And I'm stuck in between.
Because I miss you,
And I want him.

Because I want to cling to what I am,
When it's best to grow into the person I have the potential to become.

Truth?
I'm scared.
I'm scared to trust him like I trusted you.
Because he could leave just as easily as you did.

Because I could fuck everything up again.
I could become that girl with the fake smile,
wounded,
& cracked.
I was the girl who watched every word for the fear of being completely broken.

I was.
Was is the key word.
And if one thing's for sure,
I don't want to go back....

Focus, focus, focu.....fkljsgbdflkbvasdklfjb.
My mind is an avid protester of all things that could be even remotely productive to my life right now.
Bad? Yes, very.
Do I care?
Nope.
Not in the least.
I know.
That's horrible, awful, dreadful.
I can hear my mom now, "Alison! You could get straight A's if you tried!!"
I know.
I could.
Easily.
But I'm stuck in this naive teenager mind that can't seem to grasp the concept that grades DO matter.
I can't change my mind.
I'm too stubborn to even listen to myself.


Change of subject.
I want to dye my hair.
I want to dye it a reddish color.
Right now, it's kinda streaky goldish nasty looking brown.
I want to change that.
I feel like Thursday would be a good day to dye it.
I hate Thursdays, they're pointless.
If I dyed my hair on a Thursday, maybe it wouldn't be so dreadful.
People wouldn't expect it.
I think I just need some change...
I'm stuck in a heap of blah.
I need to dye my hair.
I can see it and it's ugly.
If I can convince my mom to help me...
If I can convinve my mom to buy the hair dye.
I'm really not sure why my has resorted to mush right now.
My horoscope said that tomorrow I'm going to be full of philisophical insight and such.
... It'll be tomorrow in ten minutes...
If I get hit with philisophical insight in ten minutes... I will be very happy.
But I doubt it.
I really don't know what's going on with me right now.
I've started almost every sentence with "I"
Predictable...
I hate it.
No one really should have read this far.
hkbaslkdfdifocbdnaoisdfycasdhbxjalsvasdhfcasdfcv
^^^
That's my brain.
I can't focus...
!!!!
what am I supposed to be doing?

Hey!
Do you remember me?
Oh... well,
My name's Alison.
I've got those big bright blue eyes that you used to call beautiful.
I've got that sense of humor that always made you laugh.
I've got that emotion that used to drive you crazy...
What was it, again?
Maybe love?
Yea, love.
*smirks*

You still don't remember?
You don't remember spending hours on the phone,
Talking about nothing,
Still somehow saying everything?
You have to recall all the times I cried for you, because of you.
How about all the times you made me laugh,
smile,
blush,
think outside the box.

Should I remind you of all the times I didn't give up?
All the times I forgave you, even when I didn't want to.
Maybe you can remember the silences.
Never awkward. Never meaningless.
Do you remember sitting in your basement, talking about everything under the sun?
Nothing?
Not one single memory?
Don't you recognize the girl that was always there for you?
Doesn't my voice ring a bell?
That's what I was afraid of.


So,
I guess I'll let you go.
But you have to know,
And if you don't remember anything else,
I'm still here.
I'm still the girl you stood in the lunch line with everyday.
I'm still the girl that could always make you laugh.
I'm still the girl sitting on the picnic table asking you to love her.
And I'll always be right here.
Even if you don't remember...
I do.

With all the love in the world,
I'm wishing you the best of luck.

Dueces ♥

It's 11:23
I'm still awake
And I'm thinking about you.


You're not what I expected, to say the least.
You didn't get mad when I yelled.
You just gave me space.
I like you.
I really like you.
And it scares me.


As soon as I admit that to myself,
I set up 1,002 opportunities for myself to get hurt,
553 ways I can lose control,
150 reasons to worry everyday,
7 more girls to be jealous of,
and 1 situation in which I get my heart broken.

Maybe it's worth it. ♥

Dear A. P. U. S. H.
I hate you.
You cram so much useless knowledge in my head.
The truth of the matter is,
The guys that run our country don't do a whole lot.
They tell other people what to do,
Then take the shit when those people do it wrong.
Hell of job, right?
Give me an essay to write about how much America sucks vs. how much it rocks,
I will get an A PLUS!!!
You know the term right?
A PLUS??
Sounds kind of like APUSH,
only no one in that class can achieve an A plus.
Because no one in their right mind wants to spend their life assessing and interpreting every shit some dead white guy shat in an attempt to make sense of history.
I just don't care.
Sincerely,
Alison :)

Two.Dos.Deux.Second.
What do these things have in common?
There's always one thing before them.
One.Uno.Un.First.

Fact of life:
First always comes before second.
She always comes before me.


The worst part?
You don't even realize it kills me.

Sometimes a good ol' blog/ranting is just what a girl needs to prepare herself to write an amazing history essay.
I'm hoping this will do the trick.
Because my creative juices are definitely not flowing right now.
And I really don't care about John Adams.
I suppose I should care about him though,
He is one of the founders of this great country.
(I use the term "great" loosely.) ;)


I hate it when people don't text me back.
Especially when I'm being nice.
Does it bother you that I tell you you're amazing?
If it does, I'm sooo sorry.
That was sarcasm.
I'm not sorry.
I'm an impulsive person.
And I just had the urge to tell you,
you're amazing.



Yeah...
I can't think of anything else to say.
I just don't want to write my essay.
I could just blow it off,
but you know how that goes =/
whatever.
Dueces ♥

Funny.
When I imagined you leaving,
I imagined my self kicking and screaming.
But now that you're gone, I'm happier then ever.
Strange right?


Maybe not.
You treated me like the dirt beneath your feet.
It was only a matter of time I suppose.
I couldn't control my emotions,
and you couldn't control your actions.


All in all,
Our friendship amounted to nothing.


Thanks for wasting my time.
With love,
Alison T. Humphreys.

I'm falling for you.
.... Scratch that.
I've already fallen for you.
The way you;
look at me,
hug me,
tease me,
it drives my me wild.

We're so close to being exactly where I want us to be.
Two steps away from from stumbling into an insane happiness neither of us could have ever dreamed of.
Two steps from undoing the past year that we've spent on people who only wasted our precious time.
Just two steps.


So you can make a step towards me, and I'll return the favor.
Because I can't stand in this "in between" forever.

:)

He loves you.
More then you could ever understand.
I see it in his eyes.
I hear it when he talks about you.
I feel it when he hugs me.
He would rather be with you.

If you knew that,
If you understood that you're the only reason he smiles,
then I'd be content with letting him be with you.

If you knew that he wants you ten times more then he wants me,
you wouldn't be as insecure.
I feel bad.
I want him.
I want him A LOT!!
But I know he really is yours.
No matter what I say.

Change is good.
Seasons change, trends change.
People don't change.
You've always been who you were meant to be.
Situations change, the people around you differ.
You've always been who you are.
At least, that's what I think.


Things are changing like crazy.
But I'm still me.
And I'm still here.
And I always will be.
Dueces ♥

Replacements.
I'm always replaced with them.
I hate it.
Was I ever worth anything to you?
Every time you said I was amazing, nice, the only person who you could ever talk to...
Was that all just a lie?
Because obviously I'm not irreplaceable.
You've proved that to me a thousand times.
And I know others will prove it to me a thousand more.

Awesome, amazing, fantastic, super, sick, fricken sweet.
That is how I feel right now.
I don't have deep thoughts flowing into my head,
but the thoughts I do have make me smile like no one can.
For this, I am thankful.

Dueces ♥

There's something in the back of my mind
Something I can't shake.
Something I've thought for awhile, but haven't said anything about.

You're the one person who I can talk to about anything.
You're the one person who I have never gotten mad at.
You're the one person who I want to get to know more about.

There's really something in the back of my mind that whispers in my ear every time we talk, "he's perfect for you"

It's true. We're perfect for each other.
But you won't ever realize it.
And neither of us will do anything about it.
We're both too caught up in our "past romances"

Maybe someday something will whisper in your ear too.

When the scars you tolerate give you a sense of pride,
When you can't remember the last time you cried,
When you can ultimately show the world your fine,
You'll know.

When you don't fight with your clothes anymore,
When you don't spend hours weeping on the floor,
When you embrace the clouds and your spirit soars,
You'll know.

When that fuzzy image finally becomes clear,
When you genuinely listen, instead of just hear,
When you stand there and fight, despite all your fears,
You'll know.

Do you plan out what to write in your blog?
I don't
I just type, type, type away...
Hoping something mildly wonderful will pop out of the tips of my fingers.
Does that ever happen?
Have I said things that are mildly wonderful?
I hope so. :)

I confuse the hell out of myself.
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
Am I pissed off beyond repair?
Am I clinically insane?

I answered yes to 3/4 of those questions.
You can figure out which ones. ;)

But seriously, I don't know what to do.
Or maybe I do know.
I just can't make myself do what I need to do...

I don't know if the smile on my face is real or fake.
I know you make me happy...
You make me smile real smiles that shine bright enough to make the stars jealous.
But you also make me cry...
Why?
Because you don't care.


You use me,
hurt me,
break me,
shake me,
leave me
and lie to me.


You all do.
But I'm still here.
I still stand here,
listening,
waiting,
wondering.

When is it my turn?

Never do I have a definite answer when someone asks me if I'm okay.
Or if someone asks me what's wrong.
Or anything like that.
You get the picture.

I try to answer, but the phrase "I don't know" fumbles out of my mouth thirty times in a row before I actually can think clearly enough to form a response.
Cool, right?

If I knew what was wrong, I would tell you.
Point blank.
I'm not shady, or sneaky.
I'll tell you what's going on.

If only I knew.

I'm not afraid.
Bad things happen.
People change.
But in the end, it's all for my own good.

I know I might lose you.
I know I might fail AP History.
But I'm not afraid.

Things happen for a reason.
Nothing is just thrown out in the middle of the road for me to sulk over.
I could sit and stare at the boulder plundering down from the heavens above thinking about how it's gonna land in the most horrible spot.
Or I could move out of the way before I'm trapped in my own misery.

I like the second option.
I've done a pretty good job taking care of myself.
I'm independent.
Strong.
Funny.
And I'm pretty quick witted.
So I can see that boulder falling, and I can run underneath it knowing that that's the best thing for me.

Maybe it's not that easy.
I'll probably get crushed one day.
But it'll all work out in the end.
I promise.
♥

I really should be working on my AP U.S. History essay.
But alas,
I'm here.
And I keep thinking.
More like wondering...
How often do you cry?
How often are we, as humans, supposed to cry.

Many people just shy away, into the shadows, never showing any emotion at all.
How often do they cry?
Sometimes, I cry for no reason.
I like the way I feel afterwards.
The feeling like you're so tired you're just going to collapse in a big, melted, pile of a you that no one knows.
A you that you hardly even recognize.
And it's there, in that moment, when you can uncover all the different dimensions of how screwed up your life really is.
You can lay there in your bed,
Sink into your matress like it's the only thing you have left,
Grab the sheets up into your sweaty palms and hold onto them as if they are your only lifeline, And let your tears fall onto the pillow that once helped you harvest your most meaningful dreams.

In that second, you are who you are.
No lies.
No masks.
No excuses.
And it's liberating.

Once the tears are gone, and your face no longer hurts from being scrunched together,
you only have yourself, and the silence left.

Life is unexplainable.
It's fragile and ever-changing.
It can't be defined by putting words onto a page or in casual conversation.
Life can only be defined if you truly live it.
Put action together with all the wims and fantasies that go on inside your head and you get life.
You get to live.
Do what you want when the world tells you no.
Do the wrong thing just because it's fun.
Take a "left turn" vacation and see where you end up.
It sounds so cliche, but I think it's true.

Ignorant stupidity = high school.

Everyday.
People are stupid.
I'm included in this, too. Don't get me wrong.
But honestly, I'm not as stupid as some of the people that go to my school.
It's not immaturity because EVERYONE'S immature in high school.
I'm used to it.

It's just...
Ignorant stupidity.
The same question being asked over and over.
Asking "which one?" when there's another person in the class with the same name. (The teacher goes in alphabetical order, really?)
Just little things like that.
It's bugs the piss out of me.


All right. I'm done.
Deuces ♥

The weather.
I know, that was a sentence fragment, but I don't care.

I love the weather right now.
It feels like autumn.
It feels like the leaves could be bright orange as soon as I wake up in the morning.
I'd honestly be okay with that.

I'm always happier in the fall.
New school year, new beginnings.
Friday night football games.
The colors make me feel amazing.
Plus it's not hot.
Big plus!


I walked out of my house this morning and I had an instant happy feeling.
It was overcast and chilly.
Just how I would order my days if it were possible to order days at subway or something...
Haha.
Whatever.
Toodles :D

I don't want to grow up.
Or...
I don't want to grow up yet.

I really want to know why people want teenagers to grow up so fast.
Are we really that horrible that you have to change us??
We have our whole lives ahead of us to be an adult.
But you still try to teach us all of life's lessons in a four year period of time.
I hate it.
I want to be a teenager because that's what I am.
I don't want a medocre job because It'll teach me responsibility.
I know how to be responisble. I just choose not to be a lot of the time because I'm a teenager.
This is my time to screw stuff up, cry about stuff that won't matter in two days, and figure things out for myself.
So stop trying to tell me that you know everything.
Stop trying to make me grow up.
And stop giving me crap about being irresponsible.
I'm a teenager.
I won't listen to you anyway.

Do you ever wish you were seven years old again?
Things are simple when you're seven.
You have almost zero responsiblillities and your parents still treat you like you're the only thing in the world that matters to them.
When you're seven, your world is still small.
Most everything you see is new, fascinating, wonderful.
Everyday you learn something.
You're innocent.
You're still cute.
And you don't see the bad things that happen daily all over the earth.
The only thing you need to make you happy is a bucket full of candy and a hug from your mommy.
Things are simple when you're seven....

But soon, you're eight.
Then nine.
10, 11, 12.

And thirteen slaps you across the face.
You're considered a teenager. You have your whole life ahead of you. You're on top of the world because you're finally thirteen.
But you're still a kid.
You still cry. But you cry for different reasons.
Your world isn't as small as it was, you know that people suffer, but you really don't understand.
Your parents trust you to do more things, but not nearly as much as you want.
And you're stuck.
You're only thirteen.

Two years later, you're stuck at fifteen.
You're a sophomore in highschool.
The only world you know, revolves around you.
You're fully aware of the way others suffer.
But you don't care.
Because you're fifteen.
You have to focus on you.
That's what society has taught us, right?
You are the most important in your life.
Is that wrong?
The answer is yes. It's completely wrong.
You're fifteen.
You're still creating yourself. You're trying to find out where you stand and what you're going to fight for.
You're realizing that people don't have respect for you.
Maybe, you're even realizing that most people don't have respect for anyone.
When you're fifteen, you're pulled in two directions.
Everyone wants you to grow up, but you want to stay a kid. You want to be seven.


Maybe that's where we get our teenage angst.
We get a taste of what we think the real world is, selfish people, doing selfish things.
We don't want to face the ignorance, arrogance, and selfishness that exist beyond the walls of our houses, so we become bitter.
We want, more then anything, to go back to simple. To go back to seven.

There isn't any heartache, the whole world seems happy, and life just seems like it'll go on forever.

Seven.

Summer, summer, summer.
I don't know how I feel about it ending.
I'm excited for many things the new year has in store, but I'm also scared that I'm not going to do well in my classes.
I just don't know.
But I'll get through it like I always do. :)
I hope.

It's funny, most people are worried about whether or not their going to fit in or if their teachers hate them.
I guess I'm worried about that too, but I'm wayyy more worried about my grades.
I'm kind of already screwed because I haven't really done my summer assignments to my full potential.
That's my mistake I guess.
I feel like I'll do better once the year actually starts.
This blog isn't really full of anything insightful, is it?
In fact, it's written really poorly too.
But I kinda just use it as a journal/diary.
I don't think a lot of people read it anyways. Ha.
It's whatever, I'm bored and tired and i didn't know what else to do.
Mmk, bye ♥

I believe some things have to be believed to be seen.

I believe if you act like you're happy long enough, eventually you really will be happy.

I believe a person's a person no matter how small.

I believe words can hurt worse then sticks and stones.

I believe the world sucks, but you have to have the bad to appreciate the good.

I believe in God.

I believe that you are your worst enemy.

I don't believe that there is good in everyone.

I believe that everyone deserves love.

I don't believe the universe owes anyone anything.

I believe in luck.

I believe a smile can help someone through the day.

I believe that anyone can change the world for the worse, but it takes a special person to change the world for the better.

I don't believe in the disease A.D.D. It's just an excuse. You could pay attention if you tried. You just don't try.

I believe in myself.

I believe that everyone is selfish, even if it's just the slightest amount.

I believe everyone is equal, but no one's the same.

Okay, so.
I need to stop procrastinating.
It's the only way I'm going to survive my sophomore year, considering I over loaded my schedule with difficult classes.
I even read a book on ways to stop procrastinating, but I still procrastinate.
It's horrible really.

Other then that, I'm looking forward to the new school year.
I look forward to learning new things and meeting new people.
I get happy just thinking about it. :D

I'll probably start to miss summer about two weeks into the year though.
But whatever, we'll see.
For now, I'm excited :)

As I sit here and watch my little cousin play video games, I realize how totally pointless, mindless and unrealistic they are.

I hate video games.
I really think they're pointless.
Seriously, when you can smash a flower pot and get gold coins in return, it's gone too far.
Life doesn't work that way.
Destruction doesn't equal money.

Unless you're like, a professional carpenter, getting paid to tear down a house or something.

I don't know.
This blog was pointless.
Toodles ♥

I'm going against all my morals.
Right here, and right now, I am going to write a depressing, complainy, stupid high school type blog.
Yeah, I know. I should have the word "hypocrite" stamped on my forehead, but that's all right. :)
The point:
I hate you.
Words, no matter how strong, can express how much hatred I harbor towards you, your actions, and your face.
This however, is not the complicated part.
I also care about you.
In the words of Three Days Grace "I hate everything about you, why do I love you?"
Now, the shit gets thick.
Up until now, I have always said, "I want you to be happy, even if it means that I'm unhappy."
And up until now, I've meant it.
In all honesty, I HAVE meant it.
But now, not so much.

Now, I think you're stupid, naive, and way to horny for your own good.
Right now, at 10:04 PM I can whole-heartedly say:
I want you to get your heart broken.
I want her words to cut into you like daggers, like your words have done to me.
I want you to have to lay in bed, screaming into your pillow, wondering how, when, and why it got so messed up.
I want you to think that you're not good enough, that you could never be good enough.


But most of all, I want to see your name light up my phone, I wanna see your face on the tiny screen and finally be able to hit the ignore button, knowing that your hurting just as bad as you once hurt me.


So here's to you jackass,
You've made me feel like a complete wreck, time and time again.
Now it's your turn.
Love you!
Alison

You know, I love to watch the rain.
It's so predictable, and unpredicatable at the same time.
Everyone knows that when a raindrop starts to fall, it'll eventually hit the ground.
But you can't predict which way the wind is going to blow that raindrop before it finally comes tumbling down to the ground, becoming part of a glorious puddle. :)

That's a lot like life.
We're all gonna wind up in the same place, buried somewhere in a box, hoping our memory lives on forever.
But we have no idea where the wind is going to blow us in the meantime.
Everyone worries about it, too.
No one knows where they're going next, so they decide to stress about it.
Maybe that's not what we're supposed to do.
Do you think the rain ever stops falling to ask the wind "Where the hell are you taking me?"
I don't.
I don't think we're supposed to know where we're going until we get there.
Because if we know, then we stop asking, and if we stop asking, we don't figure anything out.
So you can yell at me and tell me to plan out my retirement before I reach my senior year in high school, and maybe I'll listen.
But odds are, I'm just gonna nod my head, smile, and look past your shoulder, into the gorgeous rain falling to the ground outside. ♥

I wish I had something profound to say. Something that would make the world go, "Wow, this chick knows what's up!"

Actually, I wish I had something moderately interesting to say that would make a couple people go, "Haha, yeah!"

But alas, this hasn't really been going well for me lately. I'm not a quiet person, but I feel like I've been abnormally quiet.
Maybe I haven't had anything to say.
Maybe I just haven't said anything worth remembering, so I only think I've been abnormally quiet.

It's weird, but it makes sense.
My life experience meter is stuck at about 9.2% and I don't foresee anything that could even possibly change that.
Except college, but that's still three years away and I don't want to sit around with my naked face hanging out in plain, boring, silence. Yuck.

There's probably a reason for this, for my lack of ability in saying things that are either intelligent, humorous, or otherwise interesting, right?

God probably just wanted me to shut up and listen to what everyone else is saying, instead of running my mouth a mile a minute, hoping to hit on something that makes someone say, "Haha, yeah!". He slapped me across the face with his magical "shut up and listen" stick. (You know he has one, right next to his "ugly stick" and his "OMG get off your ass stick." I've been hit with all three at some point, but that's another story (;)

Clearly, I'm not going to solve this by blogging, but it helps, right?
Dueces ♥

You know, I wanna tell the world our story.
The story of me and this kid.
Maybe it's a normal story.
Average. Mundane. Boring.
Girl meets boy. Boy meets girl.
Girl falls for boy. Boy doesn't fall back.
Classic.
But maybe this isn't a normal story.
Because in a normal story, the girl either
A) Gets over it
B) Finds someone else to fall in love with
or
C) Dies

Nice right?
In my story, the answer is Q) none of the above.

The girl falls, and falls, and falls so far without telling anyone, without getting anywhere, that she gets stuck.
However, this isn't a sad story.
The girl and the boy become best friends.
They talk all the time, they understand each other better then anyone else.
They fight. Almost constantly. They disagree with anything the other person says, but they both know, no matter what happens, the other is always there when something major goes wrong.
And they laugh together, a lot. There's more then enough memories to last a lifetime.
So why, you ask, doesn't the boy fall as hard as the girl?
God only knows.

Is the girl upset? Only occasionally.
Does the boy know? Mhm.
Is anything ever going to change? Maybe, down the line.



See, I'm not bitter about any of this. I just think it's interesting.
I don't get upset about it often, high school isn't a place to look for love.
Maybe things will change, but I doubt it.
Maybe life will offer me options A, B or C instead.
Who knows...
For now, I'll just live on. ♥

Dear Mr. Blog,
I've missed you.
I haven't been able to blog in five days!!
What a tragedy that my three readers have had nothing from me to read in those long, treturous, five days!!
Bahaha, sike!

I went on vacation, forty five minutes away from where I normally live, to a place that I go to at least once a summer.
It's a beautiful place, full of trees, hills and sooo many flowers!
I had no cell phone reception.
The verizon network has monopolized that whole area, but that's a different story.
I kind of missed it, only because I couldn't talk to my friends, but it was really freeing!
I wasn't hooked to the internet non-stop so I could actually witness what was going on around me, instead of looking for the next facebook official make-up/break-up.

My best friend went with me.
Annnddd, we pretty much did nothing.
But it was a good time, and I'm glad I went.

So, Mr. Blog, have a good rest of the day.
Peace ♥

I'm going on vacation!!! :D

I have a love-hate relationship with people.

I enjoy socializing with them, having discussions with them, and laughing with them.

However, the stupidity of the human population has increased ten-fold since I have entered high school. Or maybe I've just become more aware of it? Who knows...

At any rate, it annoys me.

But even more then it annoys me, it humors me.

I think it would make you giggle aswell, so VOILA!

10 Things I Hate About People:

10: They're distgusting on the outside. If you have access to a shower, please, I beg of you, use it. You smell bad and look greasy. You may be the nicest person to walk the earth, but if you look like you just took a bath in bacon grease, I'm gonna look at you funny. If you don't have access to a shower, I'll pray for you and all others who come in contact with you. Sorry.

9: They complain about stupid things that shouldn't even influence daily life. Oh darn, your water didn't boil fast enough? I'm so sorry about that. There are people out on the street living off of dirt, booze and spare change, but let me console you because it took ten minutes for your freaking water to boil... Your life really is awful... :(

8: Two words: Sagging. Pants. Just because you're a sagga doesn't mean you've got any swagga. Pull up your pants, walk faster, take that little gimp out of your step and I'll re-assess the level of your so-called "swagger".

7: Everyone knows those people in the corner of the room who think they have a coolness quotiant of about 10,247 and a dash of tequeila on a scale of one to ten when in reality no one even realizes they're in the room. Really, that's perfectly okay, you can't just sit back there and radiate your ignorant cockyness to the rest of the world, no one cares. But then, they start rolling their eyes at the way you're joking with your friends. Cool, right? I'm just tryna have a good time, and you start pushing your jerky little "I'm too good for this world so screw you" vibe onto me. Amazing.

6: Some people decide to have conversations like this:

"Hey Alison. How was your day?"

"Pretty good. I went out to eat for lunch, went shopping, and the..."

"That's awesome!! What'd you do?" *Idiot smile smears across idiot face*

"....I went out to eat, went shopping, then hung ou..."

"I WENT OUT TO EAT ONCE!! It was good, I had a hambuger and fri... hey. HEY! Where are you going?"

*Already half way down the hallway*

I will punch you in the face if you EVER do that me...

5: I hate sluts. Everyone hates sluts. The people that are friends with sluts, secretly hate the sluts for being sluts. Other sluts hate sluts for being sluts. However, what I hate more then sluts are girls that AREN'T sluts who try to act like they are sluts. It's all over facebook, too. I just laugh. Clearly, you're eleven years old. You haven't had three different boyfriends in the past week. And even if you had, why is that something you post on facabook? Just sayin.

(Sorry for the over-use of the word slut.)

4: Overly religious bible thumpers that think they know everything ever to be known about God, the universe, and how I'm supposed to live my life. Now, I'm religious, I have my beliuefs and I go to church. Being an "overly religious bible thumper" isn't a bad thing. It's the ignorance that some people have toward other people's views that totally makes me wig out. You don't know everything, get over it and stop letting your beliefs get in the way of seeing the beauty of the world. Oh, and don't tell me I'm wrong. You aren't jesus, he was better then you. :)

3: Why do people decide to spread insanely ridiculous and stupid rumors? Better yet, why do people decide to believe those rumors? I mean seriously?

"Hey, yeah, you know how Bob was with us on saturday? Well, he really wasn't with us, he was with this girl named Jill! He and Jill did things, on saturday, when Bob was with us but really with Jill!"

"NO WAY!! Let's go post that to Facebook!!"

....Yeah... it happens.

2: Bad liars. If you are a bad liar, and you still try to lie, I hope your cat scatces your larynx so hard that you can no longer talk. Oh, what's that? You don't have a cat? Don't worry, one of your twenty ex-girlfriends will take care of it. :)

Really, just stop talking. K. Thanks. :)

1: People who are constantly texting. It's like, no matter who they're with, they're texting someone else. For real? You can't have that many friends, you piss all of them off because you're always texting someone else. Yeah, you might be saying "No, my friends are not mad at me, I never text when i'm with them"

Sure, whatever. Why don't you unglue your eyes from your cellular's screen and pay attention to their annoyed facial expressions. However, since I don't think you'll take that advice, I hope you run into a wall. :)

I hope you agreed with some of it, and laughed a little.

Have a good day. :)

Arguing puts a damper on my day.
However, I will argue with you about nothing in particular until the ocean evaporates, causing disaters of epic proportions.
Hell, I'd probably argue with you about the likelihood of that actually happening within the next hundred million years, just because I can.

Truth is, I don't have all the answers. In fact, I have damn near zero answers. Cool right?
Life throws out a million blatantly obvious questions, each one hits you like a bullet to the back of the head.
The answers, however, aren't as easy to come by.
See, you have to live to get your answers.
You can listen to your mommy and daddy, you can read a million self help books, you can even try to understand everything that your fully educated, well-respected teachers have taught you.

It all amounts to a giant load of nothing if you're going through the motions of a life you haven't lived.
Remember those questions I was talking about? Yeah, those are pretty much the same for everyone.
"What are you gonna do with your life?" "What do you believe?" "What do you choose to stand for, when standing for something is the only thing left to do?"
They sound simple on paper, but each answer is different.
You can't get your answers based on another person's story.
You can't argue with someone, knowing that their scantron answer sheet of life couldn't possibly match up with yours.

Okay, so, I'm still gonna argue, but i'm not gonna get mad, or sad, or dissapointed when you don't change your opinion.
I'm just going to accept it, hug you, and keep on living, because your answers will never be the same as mine.


And I'm okay with that. :)

A lot of the time, it's for ranting about how your life sucks.
I don't like that.
My life doesn't suck, but I still want to blog.
Is it possible to rant about how amazing your life is?
Or would that just make other people feel bad because their life "sucks".
I'm pretty sure that most people who have an online blogs' lives don't suck.
They do have internet access after all. That's DEFINATELY something to be happy about.
You have all the world's information right at your fingertips. Most likely, your life doesn't suck.
You may go through sucky situations, but then again, so does everyone.
Therefore, I don't feel sorry for you.
But maybe, you aren't looking for someone to feel sorry for you, you just want to let it out.
If that's the case, blog on, my friend.
Everyone needs an outlet.
This is my outlet too.
I want people to know that I'm doing fine.
I've got a real smile on my face and a handful of great people that'll catch that smile and put back on my face if it ever decides to fall.
So I'm good.
Why aren't you?

I won't lie to you. I do have those occasional meltdowns of epic proportions because I can't stand what I see in the mirror that day, but those normally only last about five minutes.
I may punch a pillow once or twice, but when it's over, and I regain composure, I can still walk outside with a huge smile on my face, not caring what anyone else says or does to me.

So why do other people?

Lately, I've seen a TON of public fights all over facebook. They're all overly outrageous, but as I read them, and mock all of their immature stupidity, I can't help but think, "Is someone really getting hurt over this?"

I can't believe it. I don't understand why people get so worked up about how others view them.

If someone wants to call you a pig-nose, butt-kissing, whore who needs a nose job and a breast implant, let them.

Ignorance is bliss, so let them live in happiness, and don't get into an argument on facebook about who's more mature.

Because really, it's a public argument on facebook and you're both teenagers. Obviously, any and all partys involved in this situation, have a lot of growng up to do. ;)