I want you to look at me.
Really, look at me.
I know you see me, brown hair, bright blue eyes, a smile plastered on my face,
But do you see me?
I've shown you who I am.
You know better than most.
You've seen me at my weakest.
You've helped me more then you could ever understand.
Is it this easy for you to let me go?

There's something about you.
Something that always makes me want to come closer.
I could be holding you close enough to feel your breath on my face,
But that still wouldn't be close enough.

I want to know what you're feeling right now.
I want to know if what I said today is killing you as bad as it's killing me.
I just want to know.

What I said was harsh.
"I'm fucking done"
Doesn't explain itself and I'm sorry for leaving you in the dark.

I love you.
I don't ever want to see you in pain
But I'm not naive enough to think you never hurt.

The look on your face killed me today.
I know you hate it when I'm upset, or when she's upset.
I'm sorry. I feel guilty.
I'm tired of feeling guilty.
I felt bed every time I talked to you.
Every time you made me laugh.
Guilt.

I don't want to be a homewrecker.
I didn't leave to punish you.
I didn't do it to make you feel bad.
I did it because I love you, and I want you to be happy.
You will never be happy if I'm always there, somehow creating tension between you and your man-faced girlfriend.

So congratulations, she wins.
She gets to be happy now because I'm not going to be there creating controversy.
She gets the satisfaction of knowing that she stopped me from stealing you, even though that wasn't my intention at all.
She gets to be the one who doesn't know what she has when she's holding you.

So by saying "I'm fucking done"
what I really meant was
"You're amazing, and I care about you a lot, but I can't deal with knowing that every time you're fighting with her a little piece of that is because of me. I honestly just want you to be happy, and if that means I have to get over it and move on I will. I'm not trying to be a martyr, and I know I said I'd never leave, but I can't ignore the fact that I feel horrible every time I talk to you. I don't want to give up, I don't want to lose you, but I can't do this anymore, and I just don't see another way to make it stop. I'm not quite sure you understand how hard this is for me, how much I've thought about it, or how much I've cried over it. You are honestly one hell-of-a-guy, and I don't want to do this, but I have to remember what I deserve. And I don't deserve feel like crap everyday."

Sometimes I wish I had the balls to say what I say in my blog in real life.
But I don't.
So I'll settle for uselessly ranting through pixels on a computer screen.

I bet he doesn't know how much today meant to me.
I would tell him that the half hour I spent alone with him today riding all around town in his spiffy little car meant more to me then anything in the world.
Not because it was super duper fun, or because we had a major heart to heart.
It was because I know he didn't really wanna do it.
I know that he could potentially get into deep shit with his girlfriend for being alone with me outside of school
I know that he was risking a lot by showing me where he eats, and sleeps, and spends most of his time
I know he knows all of that too
But he chose to do it anyways.
For me.
:)

I want to have a violent temper tantrum at your feet because that is honestly the only way I think I could get your attention.
YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!
I want to be closer to you.
I want to be able to stay up all night just laying on your couch hugging you.
I've compressed my feelings to accommodate you,
But does that matter to you?
Do I fucking matter to you?
I would turn myself inside out if it meant that you could be happy.
I realize that you didn't ask for that.
Hell, I didn't ask to feel that way, but I do.
One day you're going to wake up to find that the friends that you have,
The friends that make you feel insignificant,
The friends that you fight with constantly,
The friends that ultimately treat you like shit,
are gone.
And you're gonna cry.
You're gonna stare into the darkness, tears streaming down your face, and curse every single one of the people that left you behind.
You're gonna lay there and have a screaming match with God because the people you trusted most, left you for dead.
But they're not the ones who did this.
You are.