I don't have amazing things to say.
My words won't make you praise me.
My thoughts lack even more.
I have trouble constructing thoughts well enough to be able to say them aloud.

I'm not a genius,
nor a philosopher,
nor a person with any clue whatsoever.
I don't have any life experience, and I'm quite gullible.
I get nervous easily.
I cry a lot.
I have problems, just like the next person.
Some days I feel overly average.
Just a blur in the background of a photograph.


I started this post five days ago.
Here's what I've realized since then:

Life isn't always about saying something to make people listen,
Sometimes it's listening until someone has something to say.
Even though my voice trembles, my tears tumble, and I can't handle most of the problems in my life sufficiently without someone else there, I'm still gonna make it.


I'll make it. ♥

You're not the only one hurting.
Don't disregard my feelings.
On that note,
Don't disregard your own feelings either.
I know that's what your doing.

It's not helping your case.

Contrary to popular belief,
the big round thing sprouting from my neck,
has actual, intellectual thoughts.
The red organ pumping behind my chest,
has the right to feel real feelings.
And babe,
do I have some real feelings for you.

You don't get it do you?
I don't just have a high school crush on you.
It won't blow over in a week.
I care for you.
It's not love.
Well, I love you.
But I'm not in love with you.
I'm not ready for that.
However,
over the course of a year,
I've developed some mad feelings for you.

Another thing,
You were sweet.
You complimented me.
You never turned me away.
You cared about me when I thought I was unlovable.
But you lied.
Or rather,
You didn't tell the truth.
That hurts.
I never lied to you.
Why do you feel like you have to hide things?
I've never judged you.

I was sweet.
I never turned you away.
I cared about you when you thought you were unlovable.

Did she?



I didn't think so.



Every single conversation resorted back to how she hurt you.
How awful she was.
How you wanted her to get hurt.
But you love her....
Soo...
Stay with her.
Stay with the person who brings out the worst in you.
Stay with the group of friends that make you feel insignificant.
Stay with them.

Instead of being with the girl who can make you laugh,
Cares about you,
Loves you,
Has been here since day fucking one.

Do you get it now?
I don't think you do.

I've picked your sorry ass up every time you came to me for help.
Even when it was inconvenient for me,
I dropped what I was doing to help you.
Can you say the same for me?
Nope.
Almost every time I came to you for help,
You started talking about you, and her, and your problems.
I never said anything about it.

I avoided confrontation with you because I know how much stress you have in you life.
I held in my emotions up until the breaking point so that you didn't have my problems on your mind.
I care about you.
You care about me.
Why do you choose her?
What you have isn't love,
I've been there,
In your exact spot,
It's not love.

You think you need her.
You don't.
You really don't.
It's like a bad addiction.
You think you need it to survive, but in reality,
It's the one thing that's bringing you closer to death.


I'm pissed.
Enraged.
Confused.
Conflicted.
I want you gone.
Out of my mind.
You're just like everyone else.

Hi.
My name's Alison,
and I have trust issues.

I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.
Maybe I should,
but I'm not going to take that risk.

You say you trust me...
Don't.

I'll hurt you,
and push you away for no reason,
and care about you too much,
and get hurt too easily,
and feel too much,
and fall too hard,
and cry too often.

And you won't be able to pick up the pieces.


Everyday I see you,
talk to you,
care about you a little more then the day before.
And everyday I compare you to him.

"That's not something he would say,
That's exactly what he would do,
You're so much better,
but I still wish you were him."
Thoughts my mind scream at me everyday.

You're two different people,
but I'm constantly comparing your every word,
motion,
and piece of body language to his.
No matter how hard I try, I can't stop.

Please make this easy,
Don't trust me.

Over the last four months,
this blog has become my diary.
I tell it everything.
I only have like 2 people that read this, and that's okay.
It keeps me honest.

I love this blog.
It doesn't judge me when I tell it my inner most thoughts.
It doesn't tell me to shut up when I'm getting to caught up in my teenage angst and emotion.
I love that.
I think I would have gone insane if I didn't start this blog...

So it's a good thing I did :)

It's been over two weeks since I've posted a blog.
I love to blog.
I've been reading blogs.
But I have had absolutely nothing to say.
I still have nothing to say.
Or...
I have nothing of importance to say.
Nothing I write in this blog will be notable.
Sorry.

I'm on the verge of breaking, again.
For a year, I held you off.
You didn't know anything, I just helped you with your life problems.
I never let you in.
Until now.
Now, you know.
I told you, not everything, but I told you about me.
I gave you little clues to show you how screwed up I am.
You told me you wouldn't leave.
Now I just want you to go.
I want you to leave me like everyone else has.
But I know you wont.
You'll keep telling me I'm sweet, I'm adorable, I'm your best friend.
Truth?
I don't trust you.
I don't trust you for a minute.
As soon as I give in to you, tell you who I really am,
the sooner your gone.
And the sooner your gone, the sooner I'm broken again.


So let's just get this viscous cycle over with....