I'm not a huge fan of "looking back on my life".
It doesn't seem to get me anywhere.
Lately, however, life has almost been forcing me to remember things.
And now this should be the point where I discuss those things that I'm remembering.
I can't.
It wouldn't make sense.

It's been years and I'll still deprive myself of sleep for you.
I don't think anyone would understand
And I don't expect them to
But I still love you
I always will

When I feel things, I feel them with the entirety of my being.
If I don't want to do something, I won't do it.
Especially if that something has no value to me.
I'm true to myself always.
I see both sides to every situation, so it's hard for me to choose sometimes.
But when I do choose, my mind's made up for good.
I have blue eyes that I think are pretty amazing.
I have a sharp tongue, and my words will hurt you, but you better believe they're always true.
I love hard.
Even though I get good grades,
My GPA does not define me, and it never will.
I don't believe that high school is as important as people say it is.
I believe that I have a better understanding of myself than most 50-year-olds.
Watching the Disney Channel makes me happy.
I bite my nails like crazy.
As much as I hate people sometimes,
I love listening to their stories.
I get mad really easily, but I get over it even easier.
I believe I have a gift for seeing who people really are.
Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.
Probably because I value the validity of pure emotion above almost everything else.
Mostly because that's the most honest thing there is.
My favorite type of people are the people whose insides don't match up with their outsides.
I love animals. Especially fluffy ones.
I don't really care to know how everything turns out.
I'm just here for the ride.
I believe in God. I believe in science. I believe everyone is connected.
I love myself.

This was probably painfully boring to read.
But this is me right now.
This is who I am.
No one can take that away.

I keep asking God to give me answers.
Or even give me the right questions to ask.

I know the universe is answering my questions.
It's just being so cryptic that I can't figure out what it's saying.

Because right now I'm stumbling through life with the persistent feeling of numbness surrounding me.
And it's sort of exhausting.
I don't feel things like I used to.
I can only feel the choices I'm making box me in so tightly I can't fight my way out.
And it physically hurts me to walk through those doors every day.
What the hell happened?
I used to be so happy, vibrant.
I think I'm just burnt out.
Nothing has changed in my life for a long time, and I know a huge change is just around the corner.
So right now I'm in a rut.
And it's obvious to the people around me.
And for that I apologize.

Obviously it's not going to work out right now,
But maybe sometime in the future.
Because I've never met anyone like you.
And I pray to God that high school doesn't change you,
Because you're perfect right now.
You're so much younger,
But I find myself wishing that every guy I meet turns out like you.
I don't have to be anyone but who I am when I'm around you.
We can talk for hours and nothing feels forced.
You actually care what I have to say.
You actually care about everyone.
Please, don't ever change.

I feel like I'm going to implode.
My chest is going to cave in and I will cease to exist.
I just feel so angry all the time and I don't know why.
Little things push me to the brink of tears.
What am I doing here?
I don't belong here any more.
Whenever I walk into school, I feel like I'm suffocating.
Everyone's so fake.
No one knows who they really are so they try to be everything they really aren't.
And I can't stand it.
Because I know who I am, and I'm better than this place.
I don't have to change myself to fit in, so watching everyone trying to find a solution to an undefined problem is killing me.
Stop trying to impress people you don't like by doing things you don't like to do!
Or at least get out of my way when your going about doing your stupid things.
You don't want help, so I won't help you.
I can't handle this.
Every second of my day is planned.
No new people.
No new situations.
It's like I'm being forced to be an automaton.
I'm forced to go on autopilot because if I actually start thinking about where I am right now,
I will have a break down.

Have you ever driven just to drive?
Just to spend some time with yourself ?
I have.
It's where I do my best thinking.
You know,
You can drive down the same road a million times and feel something different every time.
It's a simple and obvious thought,
but it's something I've never thought about until now.
The roads we drive with our minds on autopilot have seen us in every one of our emotional states.
And our emotions waver and bodies grow and the paths we take to get everywhere we go never change.
I was driving down Central Ave. having this thought the other night and it was like I was suddenly ripped back to the past.
To the moment when my head was on your lap and my parents were driving us home, and I looked up out of the back window.
I saw the street lights and the same signs.
I felt the hills and curves.
And even though this happened four years ago, and we've morphed into different people, those lights and those curves are still the same.

I like to drive and think about the houses I pass and how close I am to the people inside.
I'm probably no more than fifty yards away from the people that live there.
But I don't know them, and they don't know me.
They probably don't care to, either, considering my car and I are just a source of noise pollution to them and their family.
It's still interesting to think about, though.
I could be 20 yards away from the saddest moment in their life.
Or the happiest.
I guess it's an example of how intertwined the human race is without even realizing it.

I passed a church when I was driving the other night.
It was small, and I had passed it thousands of times before.
To me, it was insignificant.
Or at least it was until I thought about it.
Someone has found God there.
Inside that building, someone has been changed forever.
And after that, that tiny church wasn't so insignificant to me.

So I guess I'll just leave you with that. ♥

And I don't think you understand what it's like to walk into school everyday knowing you're going to get rejected by the person you want so badly to want you. 

And I don't think you understand what it's like to know you have to get someone out of your head because they just don't belong there.

And I don't think you understand that I've done everything I can to not think about you, to just stop caring.

And I don't think you understand how fragile these things have made my emotions.

So, in essence,  I know I'm crazy.
But if you dealt with this,
Your nerves would be shot, too. 

Senior year.
Everything that has mattered up until now is almost done mattering.
Does that make sense?
The parties you didn't go to, the trends you didn't follow, the people you didn't talk to,
None of it will matter in a year.
We'll be gone.
The walls of Hayes High School won't recognize us any more.
That won't be our place any more.
Maybe that wasn't our place to begin with.
And I think that's a scary thought.
Because time keeps passing, and even though it's normal and natural, I have a hard time accepting the fact that none of the memories I made there will matter any more.
Most of those memories will be forgotten.
My petty friendships, my social status, my GPA.
None of that will ever matter again when this year is over.
All the things that consumed my mind on a daily basis...
They won't matter.
People say that all the time, but I didn't really get it.
None of this will matter.
And now I feel liberated, and also kind of silly.
Because I can read back in this blog and see my emotions (most of the time, my raw emotion)
And I can see how dumb it was.
I can look back on my life and remember my feelings and emotions and failures and successes
And see how mediocre they were.
I can see how, in the grand scheme of things, I have so much more to live for.

Maybe that's growing up.

We sat in your living room for four hours and did nothing.
We ate Chipotle and laughed.
We watched "How it's Made" and in between the makings of a Pontoon boat and a grandfather clock I re-realized how important you are to me.
With your head on my hip bone and our legs intertwined, I can't help but think this is how it should have been all along.

But it wasn't and it's not.
Because yesterday was an illusion,
And I don't actually believe you love me.

I'm no one's number one,
no one's one and only.
I have a lot of friends, and people who care about me,
but no one thinks of me first.
And maybe that's okay
because that's a lot of responsibility, to be someone's number one.
Just don't forget me.
Because one day you'll need me to make you my one and only, my first priority.
So don't forget me.

There's this voice in my head that never shuts up.
It says, "Go out and do good!"
It also rambles on about how lucky I am,
and how I should use that to help other people.
I'm here for a reason, but I don't have an extraordinary story of failure, or loss, or sadness, or strength that I can tell people.
I'm here to do good.

I get mad a lot.
More accurately, I get jealous.
And it's so silly because you aren't even mine.
I suppose that's never mattered, though.
It doesn't matter that I get mad and write stupid, ranting blog posts.
It doesn't matter that I cry when I see pictures of you and her together on Facebook.
It doesn't even make a difference that you really haven't been single since I met you.

You're in my heart.
You'll always be in my heart.
That's the only thing that matters.

So this is what it feels like to be loved?
This is what it feels like to be surrounded by people that love you?
This is how it feels to trust that I can pick up my phone at any time during the day and call/text someone and know that they'll be there for me?
This is what it's like to actually know I'm cared for?
This is how it feels to be happy?
The fact that I feel happy, and loved, and that I never have to question that I have people around me that care about me is the best birthday gift I could have ever gotten.


Thank you.
For everything.
I love you all :)

People don't do things for themselves anymore.

I want to scream.
I want to walk outside, stand under the great blue sky, and scream until my lungs collapse.
I want the leaves on the trees to shudder at the sound of my voice, reaching out in frustration.

The pictures and posts on Facebook, the smile on your face when you're texting in class, I see it all.

And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't killing me.
I'd also be lying if I said I was happy for you.
Because I'm not... sorry I'm such a bad friend.

I'm tired of pretending this isn't hurting me and acting like everything is okay.
I guess I just don't get it.
I have been by your side since the first day I talked to you.
From the first sentence you spoke to me until this moment, I have been there for you.
But I guess that doesn't count for anything.
There were a million moments where I could have given up, but did I?
The fact that I'm sitting here typing this answers that question.
You are one of the most selfish individuals I've ever met.
And I hope you fucking read this and it gives you the "criticism" you need.
Because that's why I write this, you know...
To give you feedback on how I think our relationship is going...
It's not like I have feelings that need to be addressed or anything.

I had my wisdom teeth out. Not a huge deal, but I still expected a "Hey, are you okay?" text message.
You couldn't even do that.
We even talked about it.
You fucking KNEW I wanted that from you.
Sorry it was inconvenient for you to show concern for someone you consider a "best friend".
When you were sick, I texted you at least every other day to ask how you were doing.
And you were sick for a week.

I guess I should've expected that, considering I have to be crying and screaming in your face for you to give me the attention I deserve.
Otherwise you just crack jokes at my expense and do things to annoy me on purpose.
THAT'S going to help.

Every time I dress up, or do my hair, or look nice at all, it's for you.
But you never say anything.
I get compliments from lots of people, telling me I look nice.
Don't you understand that one compliment from you would be like getting ten thousand compliments from anyone else?
You never say anything...
If anything, you say something critical.
I hear you compliment those other girls.
Right in front of me.
Why am I different?

Which brings me to my next point:
You talk about other girls right in front of my face.
How you want to fuck them.
How hott they are.
Then you have the nerve to tell you care about me?
You're an asshole.

And this is pathetic
Because I'm sitting here crying and you're out not caring.
But I'm tired of being understanding.
"You care about the real me, not just what I choose to show"
You've said that to me before.
And you're right, I do care about the real you.
I care about you a lot.
You tell me you care about me, too.
But I don't believe it anymore.
You act like I'm such an inconvenience to you.
"I really do care about you. I just wish it wasn't so hard for you to see that."
You said that, too.
Maybe you fucking get it now.
Maybe you can fucking read this and understand why it's so hard for me to see it.
Sorry I'm not sorry.

My horoscope gave me my daily dose of wisdom for today.
It reads, "Sometimes trying to hard in a relationship is just as bad as not trying hard enough."
While I see where you're coming from, oh wise and all-knowing daily horoscope app, I can't bring myself to believe that you are completely correct on this one.

There are things that you do that bug the shit out of me.
For example, looking straight at me, then walking right past me without any acknowledgement.
I just don't understand that.
Sometimes, I just want to grab you by the face and say, "Hey. I'm the girl that takes all your shit when I really don't have to, and you're being a douche-bag!"

But I love talking to you,
And listening to you.
There was a moment, a week or so ago, where you were talking to me.
I don't remember what you were saying,
But I remember laying there, thinking that you were beautiful,
And that I was lucky to have you in my life.

People have told me that I'm lucky to have you in my life as a best friend, that I get the best of both worlds.
And maybe that's true.
I know you in a way that other people don't, which I suppose is a good thing.
You have never taken advantage of my feelings.
And while that's frustrating at times, it is probably for the best.
But still,
I can't help but love you.
It's like it's hardwired in my DNA.
I sit and get myself worked into a tizzy
And cry,
And yell,
And tell myself I'm done, that I won't ever speak to you again...

Then you laugh at my jokes,
Or you send me a nice picture,
Or you tell me you love me,
And we're back at square fucking one.

I guess other people don't get it.
Yeah, I am lucky.
But it's also hard.
It's hard to go in to school everyday and know that in some way or another,
I'm going to get rejected.

I'm not complaining, though.
That's the consequence of my choice to stay by you.
The positives outweigh the negatives.
At least for today...

I just need to find someone else.
Anybody else.

As much as I love you,
I sometimes feel like I don't want you around.
I have an overwhelming need to build up walls in an attempt to keep you out.
I know,
It's annoying.
And sometimes I have an attitude problem.
I get scared because I know I'm a mental case, and you really don't have to stick around.
But I know you will.
Which makes this situation ten times more confusing for me.
I'm going to get shit for blogging about the "same thing" again, but I don't really care.
I love you all. :)

I'm ready to leave now.
I need to get out of here.
I want to meet new people.
I'm tired of the same damn people with the same damn stories.
Everyone is so predictable.
This town is starting to feel mediocre.
And this feeling...
It kind of hit me all at once.
I realized,
Sixteen years is a hell of a long time to see nothing new.
Fuck "seeing" something new.
I want to feel something new.
Day after day, minute after fucking minute,
It all feels the same.
Ordinary.
Overly comfortable.
I'm pretty sure this chapter of my life is basically over.
There's not much left for me here.

So...
If you're still reading this,
This pretty much sums it up.
When I meet someone that changes my life for the better,
Someone that gets through to me and makes me care more than I should,
I fight to keep them in my life.
I automatically hate anyone or anything my simple mind perceives as a threat.
So I'm sorry if that gets in the way.
Maybe that's my problem.

I don't think a truer statement has ever been said.
Everyone's always so sad.
Or mad.
Or confused.
Or "broken".
Can't we go back to before?

How do you justify someone dying at such a young age?
How do you say, "it's in God's plan"
like God just decided to take his life away?
I don't know how it works, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.
People made dumb decisions, and they had fatal consequences.
I didn't know this guy.
It still scares me, though.

There's a reason you're in my life.
Sometimes it feels like you do all you can to break me.
Other times you build me up so high, it's hard to see the ground.
I don't think anyone really understands, either.
They see us and think, "Eh, whatever."
But it's more than that.
It's late night text messages, inside jokes, and mini-meltdowns.
It's stupid fights, make-up hugs, and seemingly telepathic moments.
It's the fact that on any given day, you have the power to destroy me, but you don't.
There's a reason you're in my life, and as much as I try to push you away, I couldn't even imagine not having you around.

Fuck society and their idea of "beauty".
I want to hold a mirror up to the world and show them that, yes everyone has flaws, but everyone is also a magnificent piece of art.
I can't stand the hate the people have for their bodies.
I wear a size 18, my arms are flubby, and my tummy will never be flat.
Who the fuck cares?
I've got a pair of the most amazing blue eyes, and my hair looks good when I put effort into it.
I just don't get it.
If I can look in the mirror and see beauty, why can't everyone else?
That's probably the thing I hate the most about our society.
It tears people down instead of building them up like it should.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
I wish I could make you see that.

I don't know much about life,
But I know you can't sit still.
Keep moving,
Don't stop,
Don't settle.
It's gets better from here.

I never stopped thinking about you.

A few days ago I talked to a person I thought I'd lost forever.

Especially when I'm the one who made you smile.

I want to do all of these things with you,

I'm happy.