I want to walk outside, stand under the great blue sky, and scream until my lungs collapse.
I want the leaves on the trees to shudder at the sound of my voice, reaching out in frustration.
The pictures and posts on Facebook, the smile on your face when you're texting in class, I see it all.
And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't killing me.
I'd also be lying if I said I was happy for you.
Because I'm not... sorry I'm such a bad friend.
I'm tired of pretending this isn't hurting me and acting like everything is okay.
I guess I just don't get it.
I have been by your side since the first day I talked to you.
From the first sentence you spoke to me until this moment, I have been there for you.
But I guess that doesn't count for anything.
There were a million moments where I could have given up, but did I?
The fact that I'm sitting here typing this answers that question.
You are one of the most selfish individuals I've ever met.
And I hope you fucking read this and it gives you the "criticism" you need.
Because that's why I write this, you know...
To give you feedback on how I think our relationship is going...
It's not like I have feelings that need to be addressed or anything.
I had my wisdom teeth out. Not a huge deal, but I still expected a "Hey, are you okay?" text message.
You couldn't even do that.
We even talked about it.
You fucking KNEW I wanted that from you.
Sorry it was inconvenient for you to show concern for someone you consider a "best friend".
When you were sick, I texted you at least every other day to ask how you were doing.
And you were sick for a week.
I guess I should've expected that, considering I have to be crying and screaming in your face for you to give me the attention I deserve.
Otherwise you just crack jokes at my expense and do things to annoy me on purpose.
THAT'S going to help.
Every time I dress up, or do my hair, or look nice at all, it's for you.
But you never say anything.
I get compliments from lots of people, telling me I look nice.
Don't you understand that one compliment from you would be like getting ten thousand compliments from anyone else?
You never say anything...
If anything, you say something critical.
I hear you compliment those other girls.
Right in front of me.
Why am I different?
Which brings me to my next point:
You talk about other girls right in front of my face.
How you want to fuck them.
How hott they are.
Then you have the nerve to tell you care about me?
You're an asshole.
And this is pathetic
Because I'm sitting here crying and you're out not caring.
But I'm tired of being understanding.
"You care about the real me, not just what I choose to show"
You've said that to me before.
And you're right, I do care about the real you.
I care about you a lot.
You tell me you care about me, too.
But I don't believe it anymore.
You act like I'm such an inconvenience to you.
"I really do care about you. I just wish it wasn't so hard for you to see that."
You said that, too.
Maybe you fucking get it now.
Maybe you can fucking read this and understand why it's so hard for me to see it.
Sorry I'm not sorry.
It reads, "Sometimes trying to hard in a relationship is just as bad as not trying hard enough."
While I see where you're coming from, oh wise and all-knowing daily horoscope app, I can't bring myself to believe that you are completely correct on this one.
For example, looking straight at me, then walking right past me without any acknowledgement.
I just don't understand that.
Sometimes, I just want to grab you by the face and say, "Hey. I'm the girl that takes all your shit when I really don't have to, and you're being a douche-bag!"
But I love talking to you,
And listening to you.
There was a moment, a week or so ago, where you were talking to me.
I don't remember what you were saying,
But I remember laying there, thinking that you were beautiful,
And that I was lucky to have you in my life.
People have told me that I'm lucky to have you in my life as a best friend, that I get the best of both worlds.
And maybe that's true.
I know you in a way that other people don't, which I suppose is a good thing.
You have never taken advantage of my feelings.
And while that's frustrating at times, it is probably for the best.
But still,
I can't help but love you.
It's like it's hardwired in my DNA.
I sit and get myself worked into a tizzy
And cry,
And yell,
And tell myself I'm done, that I won't ever speak to you again...
Then you laugh at my jokes,
Or you send me a nice picture,
Or you tell me you love me,
And we're back at square fucking one.
I guess other people don't get it.
Yeah, I am lucky.
But it's also hard.
It's hard to go in to school everyday and know that in some way or another,
I'm going to get rejected.
I'm not complaining, though.
That's the consequence of my choice to stay by you.
The positives outweigh the negatives.
At least for today...
I just need to find someone else.
Anybody else.
Anybody else.
I sometimes feel like I don't want you around.
I have an overwhelming need to build up walls in an attempt to keep you out.
I know,
It's annoying.
And sometimes I have an attitude problem.
I get scared because I know I'm a mental case, and you really don't have to stick around.
But I know you will.
Which makes this situation ten times more confusing for me.
I'm going to get shit for blogging about the "same thing" again, but I don't really care.
I love you all. :)
