I saw you today.
I saw you laughing, flirting and being happy.
I saw you give her that sweet hug you give when you're nothing but smiles.
I saw her steal your hat,
And then I saw myself,
Back when we were happy.

It's hard knowing that I'm nothing you ever wanted,
but it's even harder knowing that I made that realization a long time ago.
I'm not daft.
I knew we weren't right.
But still,
Sometimes the way you kissed me,
Hugged me,
Looked at me,
made me believe everything was perfect.

I saw what I wanted to see.
I saw perfection.
I saw what I thought was you.
But I was wrong.

I clung to the maybes and what ifs.
"Maybe if he talked to me more,"
"Maybe if I lay off for a week,"
"What if he just cared a little more?"

You were everything I thought I wanted, and everything I didn't need.
I've come to this conclusion before though.
My mind still chases itself in circles, trying to figure out what the hell really happened between us.
I don't know if it was bad, good, or somewhere in between.
What I do know is that you're the reason I am who I am today,
and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I want to post something.
Some of my thoughts,
feelings,
etc.
But I can't seem to put my words on the screen.
I want to tell you of all the wonderful things I've been doing/thinking/feeling
I just want to put it out there.
What's stopping me?

It's me,
mememe
Always me.

That's not a good thing, but I don't think it's a bad thing either.
I've fallen into this pattern of daydreaming,
And as amazing and interesting as my thoughts are,
My daydreaming has gotten in the way of me actually doing productive things.
Like schoolwork.

I'd rather sit around and recall useless memories and think up impossible situations then do much of anything else.
My parents think I'm just chronically lazy.
Ha. Maybe that's true too.

I've got a problem with the world sees me
Because the world doesn't see me.
My family thinks I'm a genius.
My friends think I'm happy go lucky. Always smiling. Always spontaneous.
My parents think I'm innocent.
And my mind tells me I'm none of that.
I honestly have no idea who I am.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what I like, and I definitely have no clue why I'm here.
I'm frustrated out of my mind.
Literally, I think I'm going crazy.
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a forest at night, and no matter which way I turn, I can't see the path that's gonna get me out of there.
No one can help me because no one can find me.
No one can find me because I can't even find myself.

I'm pissed.
At myself,
At everyone who left,
At everyone who's still here who doesn't know how to help me.
Someone has to understand.
Someone eventually has to see that the me they see isn't me.
That girl that you see daydreaming in class,
that's not me.
That girl that makes sarcastic comments every other sentence,
that's not me.
That girl who slacks off,
that's not me.

That's the girl that has been stripped of her trust, lead astray, and is now wandering in a forest somewhere without the slightest clue where to go.

I know who I'm not.
Now tell me who I am.

I spin a flag.
It's my passion.
And today is the premier show for the 2010-2011 show.
I'm pumped!
I'm really nervous too,
but I'm way more excited.
:D
There's no greater feeling then being on that floor in front of everyone that shares the same passion as you,
throwing up a five-pound metal stick,
catching it perfectly,
then hearing everyone applaud.
Oh jeez,
it's amazing.
And I can't wait for this season to officially start.
Yeah...
:D

I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
people don't change.
You can change your words, you can change your actions
But at the end of the day, you're the same person you were when you woke up,
no matter how differently you went about your day.
Now there's a new question.
Why would people change their actions?
Why would someone want to be something they're not?
The answers to these questions are endless.

Honestly though, everyone's a fraud.
You're not the same version of yourself at church and at school.
You don't act the same when you're with your friends as you would with a group of strangers.
We're all different things, at different times, at different places.
It's a defense mechanism really.
It's something that shields the inner you from the ignorance and intolerance of others,
and I don't think it's fake.
Just different.

The inner you.
Do you know who that is?
I don't think I know the inner me, but I know it's always been the same.
It will always and forever be the same.
Do you know the inner me?
No.
You don't.
So don't make the mistake of thinking that you do, because you will be proven wrong.

I'm not upset,
or frustrated,
or confused.
I'm actually pretty happy with the way things are going,
but I haven't blogged in awhile,
so I thought I should.

First of all,
My friends couldn't be any better.
We haven't fought about anything in about two years,
and our level of drama has been kept to a minimum for months.
So yeah, it's basically perfect.
And really, when things get hard, those friendships are what keep me grounded.

Second,
I don't know where I stand with you.
Some days, we're the best of friends.
Others, you act like you can't even look at me.
Either way though,
That's your problem.
I'm not going to let you get to me,
and I'm not going to change myself to accommodate you.
Sorry.

Third,
My grades aren't horrible!!
Best accomplishment ever!
:)