I don't know how to fix this.

It's been a year since everything went downhill.

I'm happy.

I wish I could be better.

I don't think like everyone else.
I don't think doing drugs, having sex, and getting high is cool.
Does that make me boring?
Am I safe?
Uhh... yep.
But that's who I am.
And I'm okay with that.

In the words of one of my favorite country music artists Blake Shelton,
"Who are you when I'm not looking?"

Is it possible to know a person so well,
but not really know them at all.
That's how I feel when I'm around you.
You say really strange things to me.
Things that make me wonder who hurt you.
Who warped your mind to make you think you're so bad?

I love it when you laugh at me.
You get this look in your eyes that tells me I'm just the right amount of cute and crazy.
The way you look at me when I stutter, or when I can't come up with the right words makes me never want to stop talking.
I wanna know what you're thinking when I catch you looking at me for a little too long.
There's something about you that I haven't figured out yet.
And forgive me for thinking this, but I believe not knowing this....thing... about you
creates a hole in our friendship.
idk.
I'm rambling.

The truth?
You want the honest-to-god truth?

I'm scared.
I'm petrified at the thought of losing you.
What the hell?
I thought I was doing a good job of not getting attached.
Seriously, W.T.F?

I love you.
I just don't know what to do.

When I think about having a conversation with you, I almost hyperventilate.
But honestly, a hug from you right now would feel like heaven.

I don't know where to start.
I think I messed up,
But I'm not entirely sure.

It's been almost a month.
Did I hurt you?
Did I have enough power to hurt you so badly that you could just forget me?
I'm sorry, okay?
I didn't know that.
I don't even know why I said what I said...
I was scared.
I self-destruct all of my relationships.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I do half the things I do.
Okay?
This is driving me insane!
Where are you?
Do I need to reach out to you?
I don't know what's going on.

I feel completely numb.
I don't know what to do.
Like a dear caught in the headlights...
I don't want to make the wrong decision.

Does it hurt you when you see me?
Do you feel anything at all?
I catch you looking at me...
What is that?
Why?
I never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't say that enough if I tried.
Not sorry for what I said...
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I swear.
I never meant to hurt you.

I feel like I'm breaking.
I'm becoming the girl I said I never would become again.
The smile, the laugh,
THEY AREN'T REAL!
Why don't you see that?
Why do you have such an impact on me?

I thought this would get easier as time went on.
It didn't.
It got a lot harder.
Every day I fucking see you it gets harder to handle.
Is your smile fake too?

I don't know how to handle this.
I don't know at all.
I feel like crying, but there's some new found wall that's somehow blocking my tears from falling.

Do you even want me back in your life?
Maybe I made the right choice for you.


But I know now.
It was the worst choice I could have ever made for me.

I want you to look at me.
Really, look at me.
I know you see me, brown hair, bright blue eyes, a smile plastered on my face,
But do you see me?
I've shown you who I am.
You know better than most.
You've seen me at my weakest.
You've helped me more then you could ever understand.
Is it this easy for you to let me go?

There's something about you.
Something that always makes me want to come closer.
I could be holding you close enough to feel your breath on my face,
But that still wouldn't be close enough.

I want to know what you're feeling right now.
I want to know if what I said today is killing you as bad as it's killing me.
I just want to know.

What I said was harsh.
"I'm fucking done"
Doesn't explain itself and I'm sorry for leaving you in the dark.

I love you.
I don't ever want to see you in pain
But I'm not naive enough to think you never hurt.

The look on your face killed me today.
I know you hate it when I'm upset, or when she's upset.
I'm sorry. I feel guilty.
I'm tired of feeling guilty.
I felt bed every time I talked to you.
Every time you made me laugh.
Guilt.

I don't want to be a homewrecker.
I didn't leave to punish you.
I didn't do it to make you feel bad.
I did it because I love you, and I want you to be happy.
You will never be happy if I'm always there, somehow creating tension between you and your man-faced girlfriend.

So congratulations, she wins.
She gets to be happy now because I'm not going to be there creating controversy.
She gets the satisfaction of knowing that she stopped me from stealing you, even though that wasn't my intention at all.
She gets to be the one who doesn't know what she has when she's holding you.

So by saying "I'm fucking done"
what I really meant was
"You're amazing, and I care about you a lot, but I can't deal with knowing that every time you're fighting with her a little piece of that is because of me. I honestly just want you to be happy, and if that means I have to get over it and move on I will. I'm not trying to be a martyr, and I know I said I'd never leave, but I can't ignore the fact that I feel horrible every time I talk to you. I don't want to give up, I don't want to lose you, but I can't do this anymore, and I just don't see another way to make it stop. I'm not quite sure you understand how hard this is for me, how much I've thought about it, or how much I've cried over it. You are honestly one hell-of-a-guy, and I don't want to do this, but I have to remember what I deserve. And I don't deserve feel like crap everyday."

Sometimes I wish I had the balls to say what I say in my blog in real life.
But I don't.
So I'll settle for uselessly ranting through pixels on a computer screen.

I bet he doesn't know how much today meant to me.
I would tell him that the half hour I spent alone with him today riding all around town in his spiffy little car meant more to me then anything in the world.
Not because it was super duper fun, or because we had a major heart to heart.
It was because I know he didn't really wanna do it.
I know that he could potentially get into deep shit with his girlfriend for being alone with me outside of school
I know that he was risking a lot by showing me where he eats, and sleeps, and spends most of his time
I know he knows all of that too
But he chose to do it anyways.
For me.
:)

I want to have a violent temper tantrum at your feet because that is honestly the only way I think I could get your attention.
YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!
I want to be closer to you.
I want to be able to stay up all night just laying on your couch hugging you.
I've compressed my feelings to accommodate you,
But does that matter to you?
Do I fucking matter to you?
I would turn myself inside out if it meant that you could be happy.
I realize that you didn't ask for that.
Hell, I didn't ask to feel that way, but I do.
One day you're going to wake up to find that the friends that you have,
The friends that make you feel insignificant,
The friends that you fight with constantly,
The friends that ultimately treat you like shit,
are gone.
And you're gonna cry.
You're gonna stare into the darkness, tears streaming down your face, and curse every single one of the people that left you behind.
You're gonna lay there and have a screaming match with God because the people you trusted most, left you for dead.
But they're not the ones who did this.
You are.

I miss the way things used to be.
I hate the way things ended.
I wish we didn't have to change.
But in the end,
I know it was for the best.
Because now I'm in a good spot,
and I'm a good person.
Yeah, I've made mistakes.
But they've made me into the person I am.
And I would never give that up.

Please, PLEASE tell me what's going on.
I'm begging,
I'm pleading,
I'm performing every act the synonyms of the above words portray.
I have no fucking clue where you stand.
I'm confused, and I think you owe me more then you tend to give me.
I bend over backwards to make you feel loved.
I avoid my own feelings in attempts to spare yours.
You choose her over me, and frankly, it pisses me off.
I'm sorry you get hurt, but you're the one who keeps going back.
I understand it's complicated...
I've been in your exact position before...
I can help you...
But you have to let me in.
I hate this guessing game you put me through.
I thought that if I told you exactly how I felt you would return the favor.
I guess not.
I'm still that naive, little girl that wants too badly the one thing she can't have...
Aren't I?
I could ask you a million questions,
but you'd just shut me out.
I love you.
You're a great person.
But you piss me off like no other.
Just let me in!
Let me in, and we could be perfect.
You're perfect.

The last thing on earth I want to be is an inconvenice.
I don't want to get in the way of who you are,
or who you're becoming,
But I do want to be a part of it.
You drive me to the brink of insanity,
And just when I feel like jumping out of the car,
You take a sharp U-turn and I end up back in the passenger seat waiting for the next go-around.
And I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
We're not each others' number 1... or 2... or even 3,
But I can tell you right now, you make me want to change that.
We've never really hung out, we don't tell each other everything, we only spend approximately 15 minutes a day together, and half the time I can't tell where I stand with you.
I don't know what that means,
But I do know that
In the year and a half that I've known you, you've become one of the most influential people in my life.
You say stuff like "You have to deal with my sorry ass", I have no clue what makes you feel that way,
and I don't know what that means, but I think you deserve more then you give yourself credit for.
You have the power to make or break me with two or three words,
So by telling you this I've automatically set up about 4512345 ways that I could be screwed over in the end.
I trust you, though.
So with all that said, and my dignity already on the line,
I think you are the most perfect piece of imperfection that I have ever seen,
and I don't want to lose you...

I hope you know you broke me.
I thought I was broken before...
Now,
Now I just feel useless.
Your girlfriend wasn't good enough for you then?
You had to come begging from me.
That's pathetic...
You're pathetic.
A few nice texts won't get you into my pants.
I have more dignity than that... maybe you should too.

I saw you today.
I saw you laughing, flirting and being happy.
I saw you give her that sweet hug you give when you're nothing but smiles.
I saw her steal your hat,
And then I saw myself,
Back when we were happy.

It's hard knowing that I'm nothing you ever wanted,
but it's even harder knowing that I made that realization a long time ago.
I'm not daft.
I knew we weren't right.
But still,
Sometimes the way you kissed me,
Hugged me,
Looked at me,
made me believe everything was perfect.

I saw what I wanted to see.
I saw perfection.
I saw what I thought was you.
But I was wrong.

I clung to the maybes and what ifs.
"Maybe if he talked to me more,"
"Maybe if I lay off for a week,"
"What if he just cared a little more?"

You were everything I thought I wanted, and everything I didn't need.
I've come to this conclusion before though.
My mind still chases itself in circles, trying to figure out what the hell really happened between us.
I don't know if it was bad, good, or somewhere in between.
What I do know is that you're the reason I am who I am today,
and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I want to post something.
Some of my thoughts,
feelings,
etc.
But I can't seem to put my words on the screen.
I want to tell you of all the wonderful things I've been doing/thinking/feeling
I just want to put it out there.
What's stopping me?

It's me,
mememe
Always me.

That's not a good thing, but I don't think it's a bad thing either.
I've fallen into this pattern of daydreaming,
And as amazing and interesting as my thoughts are,
My daydreaming has gotten in the way of me actually doing productive things.
Like schoolwork.

I'd rather sit around and recall useless memories and think up impossible situations then do much of anything else.
My parents think I'm just chronically lazy.
Ha. Maybe that's true too.

I've got a problem with the world sees me
Because the world doesn't see me.
My family thinks I'm a genius.
My friends think I'm happy go lucky. Always smiling. Always spontaneous.
My parents think I'm innocent.
And my mind tells me I'm none of that.
I honestly have no idea who I am.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what I like, and I definitely have no clue why I'm here.
I'm frustrated out of my mind.
Literally, I think I'm going crazy.
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a forest at night, and no matter which way I turn, I can't see the path that's gonna get me out of there.
No one can help me because no one can find me.
No one can find me because I can't even find myself.

I'm pissed.
At myself,
At everyone who left,
At everyone who's still here who doesn't know how to help me.
Someone has to understand.
Someone eventually has to see that the me they see isn't me.
That girl that you see daydreaming in class,
that's not me.
That girl that makes sarcastic comments every other sentence,
that's not me.
That girl who slacks off,
that's not me.

That's the girl that has been stripped of her trust, lead astray, and is now wandering in a forest somewhere without the slightest clue where to go.

I know who I'm not.
Now tell me who I am.

I spin a flag.
It's my passion.
And today is the premier show for the 2010-2011 show.
I'm pumped!
I'm really nervous too,
but I'm way more excited.
:D
There's no greater feeling then being on that floor in front of everyone that shares the same passion as you,
throwing up a five-pound metal stick,
catching it perfectly,
then hearing everyone applaud.
Oh jeez,
it's amazing.
And I can't wait for this season to officially start.
Yeah...
:D

I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
people don't change.
You can change your words, you can change your actions
But at the end of the day, you're the same person you were when you woke up,
no matter how differently you went about your day.
Now there's a new question.
Why would people change their actions?
Why would someone want to be something they're not?
The answers to these questions are endless.

Honestly though, everyone's a fraud.
You're not the same version of yourself at church and at school.
You don't act the same when you're with your friends as you would with a group of strangers.
We're all different things, at different times, at different places.
It's a defense mechanism really.
It's something that shields the inner you from the ignorance and intolerance of others,
and I don't think it's fake.
Just different.

The inner you.
Do you know who that is?
I don't think I know the inner me, but I know it's always been the same.
It will always and forever be the same.
Do you know the inner me?
No.
You don't.
So don't make the mistake of thinking that you do, because you will be proven wrong.

I'm not upset,
or frustrated,
or confused.
I'm actually pretty happy with the way things are going,
but I haven't blogged in awhile,
so I thought I should.

First of all,
My friends couldn't be any better.
We haven't fought about anything in about two years,
and our level of drama has been kept to a minimum for months.
So yeah, it's basically perfect.
And really, when things get hard, those friendships are what keep me grounded.

Second,
I don't know where I stand with you.
Some days, we're the best of friends.
Others, you act like you can't even look at me.
Either way though,
That's your problem.
I'm not going to let you get to me,
and I'm not going to change myself to accommodate you.
Sorry.

Third,
My grades aren't horrible!!
Best accomplishment ever!
:)