Unpredictable Outbursts of A Human Being

Reality.

4:14 PM

Especially when I'm the one who made you smile.

Which is often.

I don't understand.

I just don't.

Why am I always last?

Why can't I mean anything to you??

Do you even see what you do to me?!?

I've told you a thousand times:

I'm jealous.

I'm scared.

I don't want to lose you.

I just want to be a part of your life.

I care about you.

And you lie.

You always lie.

You say you care about me, too.

That you want me and need me in your life.

But you just hurt me.

And I keep going back.

Because I don't want to face the reality that, if I run away, you won't even think about running after me.

7:43 PM

I want to do all of these things with you,

For you,

To you.

But you already have someone to them with.

You always have someone else.

Hello There.

4:35 PM

I'm happy.

My life is wonderful.

I have people who love me, and I love myself.

But there's still a part of me that hurts.

Sometimes it feels like my heart is ripping right down the middle, each side being pulled in a different direction.

People love me,

Still I get left out.

I'm not good enough.

I've pushed people away so much

there's no one left to fight for me.

No one cares enough to make me fight for myself.

And that's what hurts the most.

Love Don't Run

6:41 PM

I don't know how to fix this.

I can't figure out how to be good enough for you.

I really don't even know what the problem is...

You care about me, I know you do.

Why am I not good enough?

I don't want to talk about sex, drugs, or drinking 24-7,

I don't always say the right things,

I'm not a size 2,

And I'd rather sit in my living room and watch The Lion King with my cat then go out and party.

But I care about people.

I'll be the one to love you, and tell you you're perfect when everything's falling apart.

I'll be there everyday to catch you if you fall, or bring you back to reality if your head's too far up in the clouds.

So go ahead,

Tell me I'm not good enough.

4:29 PM

I'm sorry that I have feelings for you.

I'm sorry that I care so much.

I'm sorry that I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I know you don't care as much as I do.

I'm sorry that I'm jealous.

I'm sorry that I haven't done anything to ameliorate the situation.

I'm sorry I don't have the courage to tell you how I feel.

I'm sorry I'm not completely honest with you.

I'm sorry I blame you for things that aren't your fault.

I'm sorry we don't have the connection that you have with your other friends.

I'm sorry I think you're the cutest thing on the planet.

I'm sorry that what I want most in the world is to really know who you are.

I'm sorry that no matter how hard I try, I won't mean anything to you.

I'm sorry that everything I do, isn't enough.

I wish that just for one second you could understand how I really feel.

You came into my life when I needed someone the most, and you never left.

That's a big deal!

When I'm with you, I feel like the rest of the world doesn't exist.

You make me love myself. No one has ever had that effect on me.

I don't know what to do.

One year ♥

3:33 PM

It's been a year since everything went downhill.

365 days.

I still think about it everyday.

I wonder what would've been different if I hadn't kissed you that day.

I can't help but think that we'd still have some sort of relationship had that night not turned out the way it did.

So maybe it's a blessing that it happened the way it did...

I mean, it's not like our relationship amounted to anything anyway.

In 12 months, my world completely flipped inside out, turned upside-down, and then found its way back to some sort of equilibrium.

And I'd tell you when, or how, that happened,

But I have no idea.

Somehow I've gotten myself to a point where thinking about him doesn't rip my heart out.

Now I can say that I don't blame him for anything that happened.

I can sit here and say that I'm a totally different person than I was a year ago,

and I can be totally okay with it.

Because of him, because of that night one whole year ago, I can say that I'm happy.

And it's twisted, but I want to thank him.

I want to thank him for every time he made me cry

because without being so low,

I would never have learned to appreciate how fantastic my life is now.

Cheers ♥

10:37 AM

I'm happy.

For maybe the first time in my life

I can tell you that I know exactly who I am.

It's a great feeling. :)

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Welcome!

Hello there. My name is Alison. Welcome to my corner of the internet! I'm a college student studying social work at Ohio State University while working full time. I've been writing here off and on for about six years now. The stuff I post here is mainly for myself, so I can look back and see how much has changed throughout the years. I can't promise you much if you've just happened across this page by accident, but I can tell you that I enjoy posting here and I try to be as honest as possible. Happy reading!

Reality.

Hello There.

Love Don't Run

One year ♥

Welcome!

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