In the words of one of my favorite country music artists Blake Shelton,
"Who are you when I'm not looking?"
Is it possible to know a person so well,
but not really know them at all.
That's how I feel when I'm around you.
You say really strange things to me.
Things that make me wonder who hurt you.
Who warped your mind to make you think you're so bad?
I love it when you laugh at me.
You get this look in your eyes that tells me I'm just the right amount of cute and crazy.
The way you look at me when I stutter, or when I can't come up with the right words makes me never want to stop talking.
I wanna know what you're thinking when I catch you looking at me for a little too long.
There's something about you that I haven't figured out yet.
And forgive me for thinking this, but I believe not knowing this....thing... about you
creates a hole in our friendship.
idk.
I'm rambling.
"Who are you when I'm not looking?"
Is it possible to know a person so well,
but not really know them at all.
That's how I feel when I'm around you.
You say really strange things to me.
Things that make me wonder who hurt you.
Who warped your mind to make you think you're so bad?
I love it when you laugh at me.
You get this look in your eyes that tells me I'm just the right amount of cute and crazy.
The way you look at me when I stutter, or when I can't come up with the right words makes me never want to stop talking.
I wanna know what you're thinking when I catch you looking at me for a little too long.
There's something about you that I haven't figured out yet.
And forgive me for thinking this, but I believe not knowing this....thing... about you
creates a hole in our friendship.
idk.
I'm rambling.
The truth?
You want the honest-to-god truth?
I'm scared.
I'm petrified at the thought of losing you.
What the hell?
I thought I was doing a good job of not getting attached.
Seriously, W.T.F?
I love you.
I just don't know what to do.
You want the honest-to-god truth?
I'm scared.
I'm petrified at the thought of losing you.
What the hell?
I thought I was doing a good job of not getting attached.
Seriously, W.T.F?
I love you.
I just don't know what to do.
When I think about having a conversation with you, I almost hyperventilate.
But honestly, a hug from you right now would feel like heaven.
I don't know where to start.
I think I messed up,
But I'm not entirely sure.
It's been almost a month.
Did I hurt you?
Did I have enough power to hurt you so badly that you could just forget me?
I'm sorry, okay?
I didn't know that.
I don't even know why I said what I said...
I was scared.
I self-destruct all of my relationships.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I do half the things I do.
Okay?
This is driving me insane!
Where are you?
Do I need to reach out to you?
I don't know what's going on.
I feel completely numb.
I don't know what to do.
Like a dear caught in the headlights...
I don't want to make the wrong decision.
Does it hurt you when you see me?
Do you feel anything at all?
I catch you looking at me...
What is that?
Why?
I never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't say that enough if I tried.
Not sorry for what I said...
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I swear.
I never meant to hurt you.
I feel like I'm breaking.
I'm becoming the girl I said I never would become again.
The smile, the laugh,
THEY AREN'T REAL!
Why don't you see that?
Why do you have such an impact on me?
I thought this would get easier as time went on.
It didn't.
It got a lot harder.
Every day I fucking see you it gets harder to handle.
Is your smile fake too?
I don't know how to handle this.
I don't know at all.
I feel like crying, but there's some new found wall that's somehow blocking my tears from falling.
Do you even want me back in your life?
Maybe I made the right choice for you.
But I know now.
It was the worst choice I could have ever made for me.
But honestly, a hug from you right now would feel like heaven.
I don't know where to start.
I think I messed up,
But I'm not entirely sure.
It's been almost a month.
Did I hurt you?
Did I have enough power to hurt you so badly that you could just forget me?
I'm sorry, okay?
I didn't know that.
I don't even know why I said what I said...
I was scared.
I self-destruct all of my relationships.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I do half the things I do.
Okay?
This is driving me insane!
Where are you?
Do I need to reach out to you?
I don't know what's going on.
I feel completely numb.
I don't know what to do.
Like a dear caught in the headlights...
I don't want to make the wrong decision.
Does it hurt you when you see me?
Do you feel anything at all?
I catch you looking at me...
What is that?
Why?
I never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't say that enough if I tried.
Not sorry for what I said...
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I swear.
I never meant to hurt you.
I feel like I'm breaking.
I'm becoming the girl I said I never would become again.
The smile, the laugh,
THEY AREN'T REAL!
Why don't you see that?
Why do you have such an impact on me?
I thought this would get easier as time went on.
It didn't.
It got a lot harder.
Every day I fucking see you it gets harder to handle.
Is your smile fake too?
I don't know how to handle this.
I don't know at all.
I feel like crying, but there's some new found wall that's somehow blocking my tears from falling.
Do you even want me back in your life?
Maybe I made the right choice for you.
But I know now.
It was the worst choice I could have ever made for me.
I want you to look at me.
Really, look at me.
I know you see me, brown hair, bright blue eyes, a smile plastered on my face,
But do you see me?
I've shown you who I am.
You know better than most.
You've seen me at my weakest.
You've helped me more then you could ever understand.
Is it this easy for you to let me go?
Really, look at me.
I know you see me, brown hair, bright blue eyes, a smile plastered on my face,
But do you see me?
I've shown you who I am.
You know better than most.
You've seen me at my weakest.
You've helped me more then you could ever understand.
Is it this easy for you to let me go?
There's something about you.
Something that always makes me want to come closer.
I could be holding you close enough to feel your breath on my face,
But that still wouldn't be close enough.
I want to know what you're feeling right now.
I want to know if what I said today is killing you as bad as it's killing me.
I just want to know.
What I said was harsh.
"I'm fucking done"
Doesn't explain itself and I'm sorry for leaving you in the dark.
I love you.
I don't ever want to see you in pain
But I'm not naive enough to think you never hurt.
The look on your face killed me today.
I know you hate it when I'm upset, or when she's upset.
I'm sorry. I feel guilty.
I'm tired of feeling guilty.
I felt bed every time I talked to you.
Every time you made me laugh.
Guilt.
I don't want to be a homewrecker.
I didn't leave to punish you.
I didn't do it to make you feel bad.
I did it because I love you, and I want you to be happy.
You will never be happy if I'm always there, somehow creating tension between you and your man-faced girlfriend.
So congratulations, she wins.
She gets to be happy now because I'm not going to be there creating controversy.
She gets the satisfaction of knowing that she stopped me from stealing you, even though that wasn't my intention at all.
She gets to be the one who doesn't know what she has when she's holding you.
So by saying "I'm fucking done"
what I really meant was
"You're amazing, and I care about you a lot, but I can't deal with knowing that every time you're fighting with her a little piece of that is because of me. I honestly just want you to be happy, and if that means I have to get over it and move on I will. I'm not trying to be a martyr, and I know I said I'd never leave, but I can't ignore the fact that I feel horrible every time I talk to you. I don't want to give up, I don't want to lose you, but I can't do this anymore, and I just don't see another way to make it stop. I'm not quite sure you understand how hard this is for me, how much I've thought about it, or how much I've cried over it. You are honestly one hell-of-a-guy, and I don't want to do this, but I have to remember what I deserve. And I don't deserve feel like crap everyday."
Something that always makes me want to come closer.
I could be holding you close enough to feel your breath on my face,
But that still wouldn't be close enough.
I want to know what you're feeling right now.
I want to know if what I said today is killing you as bad as it's killing me.
I just want to know.
What I said was harsh.
"I'm fucking done"
Doesn't explain itself and I'm sorry for leaving you in the dark.
I love you.
I don't ever want to see you in pain
But I'm not naive enough to think you never hurt.
The look on your face killed me today.
I know you hate it when I'm upset, or when she's upset.
I'm sorry. I feel guilty.
I'm tired of feeling guilty.
I felt bed every time I talked to you.
Every time you made me laugh.
Guilt.
I don't want to be a homewrecker.
I didn't leave to punish you.
I didn't do it to make you feel bad.
I did it because I love you, and I want you to be happy.
You will never be happy if I'm always there, somehow creating tension between you and your man-faced girlfriend.
So congratulations, she wins.
She gets to be happy now because I'm not going to be there creating controversy.
She gets the satisfaction of knowing that she stopped me from stealing you, even though that wasn't my intention at all.
She gets to be the one who doesn't know what she has when she's holding you.
So by saying "I'm fucking done"
what I really meant was
"You're amazing, and I care about you a lot, but I can't deal with knowing that every time you're fighting with her a little piece of that is because of me. I honestly just want you to be happy, and if that means I have to get over it and move on I will. I'm not trying to be a martyr, and I know I said I'd never leave, but I can't ignore the fact that I feel horrible every time I talk to you. I don't want to give up, I don't want to lose you, but I can't do this anymore, and I just don't see another way to make it stop. I'm not quite sure you understand how hard this is for me, how much I've thought about it, or how much I've cried over it. You are honestly one hell-of-a-guy, and I don't want to do this, but I have to remember what I deserve. And I don't deserve feel like crap everyday."
Sometimes I wish I had the balls to say what I say in my blog in real life.
But I don't.
So I'll settle for uselessly ranting through pixels on a computer screen.
I bet he doesn't know how much today meant to me.
I would tell him that the half hour I spent alone with him today riding all around town in his spiffy little car meant more to me then anything in the world.
Not because it was super duper fun, or because we had a major heart to heart.
It was because I know he didn't really wanna do it.
I know that he could potentially get into deep shit with his girlfriend for being alone with me outside of school
I know that he was risking a lot by showing me where he eats, and sleeps, and spends most of his time
I know he knows all of that too
But he chose to do it anyways.
For me.
:)
But I don't.
So I'll settle for uselessly ranting through pixels on a computer screen.
I bet he doesn't know how much today meant to me.
I would tell him that the half hour I spent alone with him today riding all around town in his spiffy little car meant more to me then anything in the world.
Not because it was super duper fun, or because we had a major heart to heart.
It was because I know he didn't really wanna do it.
I know that he could potentially get into deep shit with his girlfriend for being alone with me outside of school
I know that he was risking a lot by showing me where he eats, and sleeps, and spends most of his time
I know he knows all of that too
But he chose to do it anyways.
For me.
:)
